Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/27/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

David Pecker

National Enquirer CEO David Pecker granted immunity

So, it looks like Pecker gave Trump the shaft.

16 nurses at Arizona Hospital all pregnant at the same time

… yeah, but it’s a dry kinda pregnant.

Sorry to bother you, but Kanye West just wore socks and sliders to attend 2 Chainz Wedding

Kanye, just so y’know, slavery’s not a choice; socks and sliders, a choice….

Victoria’s Secret’s idea of sexy is becoming ‘unrelatable’, experts say

I thought that was the secret.

Manafort and Cohen guilty

Bad day for witches!

Pole-dancing teacher suspended after video leaked to North Carolina school

The giveaway was when she entered her classroom to ‘Girls, Girls, Girls.’

Over 300 reindeer were struck by lightning in the same spot in Norway

Instead of dousing it with water to stop any fires, they should have just poured on barbecue sauce!

Box Office: Kevin Spacey’s ‘Billionaire Boys Club’ earns abysmal $126 on opening day

… so, it seems Kevin Spacey took in the matinee and ordered a medium popcorn.

Trump’s bad week: President’s men turn against the president

Let’s face it, with all the flipping going on, they could convert the White House into an IHOP…

‘Talking Dead’ staffers protest Chris Hardwick’s return to AMC by quitting

Look for them to get their own show, ‘Talking Shit.’

Rudy Giuliani says Americans would revolt if Trump gets impeached

Really, Rudy, ‘cause I’m betting Pence is probably in the Oval Office right now measuring for new drapes.

Brett Kavanaugh, now a Supreme Court nominee, proposed graphic questions for Bill Clinton about the Lewinsky affair in 1998 memo

… bringing new meaning to making an ‘oral argument.’

RIP John McCain

You brought to the political arena  a trait I admire, cherish so in my friends, a sense of humor about yourself.  You will be missed.  Godspeed.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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