[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Local Satanists Deplore ‘War on Halloween’

Say they’re fighting to keep the “Happy” in “Happy Halloween,” and insist that the “War on Halloween” must end.

By Carrie Pinkard

Local Satanists Gary Slaughter and Bertha Blackwood are fighting to end the “war on Halloween.” The couple was spotted holding signs written in blood in downtown Las Angeles that said “Satanist holidays matter” and “Wish me a Happy Halloween… or else.”

War on Halloween
Image by Kjpargeter, Freepik.com.

The couple claims they speak for all Satanists when they insist the war on Halloween must end. This year, they hope to end the blatant disrespect of their religious holiday. They say that can feel the public losing interest in Halloween each year.

“I’m tired of walking into a store on Halloween and the cashier simply saying ‘hello,’” Blackwood said. “It is Halloween, the day I sacrifice my cat to the devil with my bare hands and then give candy to your children. It is insulting that people don’t recognize how important this holiday is to us.”

“Last year, I went to Target and brought 10 whole bags of Halloween candy, a voodoo doll and pins to the register. It was obvious I was planning to celebrate the holiday, but the cashier had the nerve to simply say ‘have a nice day’ to me as I left,” said Slaughter, while snorting a line of cocaine.

“I then screamed ‘Happy Halloween’ to her and stared viciously into her eye sockets for 30 seconds waiting for a reply. I was shocked and offended when she started crying. She quietly whispered that she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and walked away, leaving a line of customers waiting. I mean, is she serious? Just because she doesn’t celebrate Halloween, doesn’t mean she can just ignore the holiday and not say Happy Halloween to me.”

Blackwood and Slaughter are worried that the country is slipping further and further away from Satan.

“When someone doesn’t say ‘Happy Halloween’ to me, it just reminds me that there are people out there who don’t believe in the devil, and that really upsets me,” Blackwood said sniffling. “In fact it upsets me so much, I want to break out my ouija board in the middle of the store and summon dead souls from hell so I can show people what they’re missing.”

According to the couple, Halloween has already become a gross characterization of the evil they worship. The couple says they’d like for young girls to embrace the occult.

“I don’t want my daughters to feel drawn in by the Cinderella and Fairy princess costumes that tarnish the very foundation of Halloween. I want my daughters to dress as demon nuns and Bloody Mary,” Blackwood said. “I can’t stand these Halloween stores that are teaching our daughters to be ‘sexy’ when really all they need is to be evil.”

The couple said they will be out on the streets of Los Angeles every day between now and Halloween, making sure everyone is aware of the sacredness of their holiday. They claimed they can’t think of a better use of their time than making sure everyone, regardless of religious views or preferences, wishes them a “Happy Halloween” this year.

“Either the war on Halloween will end, or I will burn this country to the ground,” said Blackwood before snapping her fingers and disintegrating into thin air.