[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump and Kavanaugh Team Up in Joint Oval Office Rant

Trump learns new literary references in Oval Office rant with SCOTUS nominee.

White House staffers have nicknamed the Oval Office “The Steam Room.” Why? This is where, behind closed doors, the President “blows of steam,” ranting and raving about the latest “fake news” about himself, his family, and his agenda or the new truths revealed to him on Fox News.

Oval Office rantToday, it was steamier than usual, with both he and Brett Kavanaugh in the same room railing at the FBI together. Every now and then, the staff heard Trump’s booming voice yelling, “Don’t turn on the waterworks, you wienie. Be a man, and just yell louder and deny, deny, deny.”

“But I was first in my class. I played sports. I worked hard,” they could hear Kavanaugh pleading.

“Yeah, yeah, blah, blah. Remember how we practiced with you for hours in the White House before the hearing. You always go hard on the offensive, never the defensive. You charge in like a bull with big cojones, whether they really are big or not!”

“But the FBI interviews –” Kavanaugh began.

The President interrupted, “Look, I’ve been in a tougher spot. They got me on tape bragging about grabbing women, a bunch of women said I did it on TV, and look, I’m still here and no one has heard from them again. We’ve got a really tight team in Congress. This is all small potatoes for them. They just care about the bottom line. They’ll get you through and it will be a blip in history, #Me Too followed by #So What.”

The staff said that what provoked this outrage was the titles in the preliminary FBI report. The overall title was “Portrait of the Judge as a Young Man.” The President did not react until someone explained that it was a reference to James Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man with the main character, Stephen Dedalus, who to all appearances is the ideal, choir boy, achieving student during the day at his all boys Catholic school, but visits brothels at night.

“The sneaky bastards,” he fumed.

What made him blow his top, however, was the conclusion that summarized by borrowing the title to Dylan Thomas’ play on Joyce’s work. The last sentence reads: “Given the evidence presented by an overwhelming number of witnesses to Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior toward women in his drunken state at parties, the authors conclude that the report should more accurately be titled, “Portrait of the Judge as a Young Dog.”

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.
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