The Jerry Duncan Show at the White House New Years Eve Party

Wherein our intrepid talk show radio host attends a White House New Years Eve party.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good evening listeners nationwide. Is it a good evening? We’ll soon find out. We are coming to you live from the White House ballroom for the first annual White House New Years Eve Party. There are hundreds of politicians and celebrities in attendance.

White House New Years Eve party, John BoehnerJERRY

Who do we have here? Why it’s the former Speaker of the House John Boehner.

BOEHNER

(drunk) Happy New Year. Do you like beer? I like beer. My drinking buddy Justice Kavanaugh and I were really shocked tonight to find out Michelle Obama has a new book out called Becoming.

JERRY

Becoming what?

BOEHNER

Drunk. When she goes high, I go low. Nothing comes between me and my bottle.

PELOSI

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Nancy Pelosi, you made it.

PELOSI

Hi Johnny. Did you see Stormy Daniels?

BOEHNER

No. I’m looking for Jack Daniels. So long folks.

PELOSI

I’m excited to lead the House. We have lots to do starting with impeachment. My 8-year-old grandson asks me every day if Mister Orange is still our president.

JERRY

Since Obama left office, Orange is the new Black. Boo-hoo.

PELOSI

I’ll make you feel better. Would you like to hear a cute poem my Joey wrote?

JERRY

Sure.

PELOSI

Today the teacher farted,
It was an awful smell,
Like a rotting egg inside my nose,
Thank goodness, I was saved by the bell.

JERRY

Wow! That little fella is the next Maya Angelou.

PELOSI

Or Jerry Duncan.

JERRY

Even better.

PELOSI

I have to find my posse. Bye.

JERRY

Stormy Daniels. Thanks for stopping by.

Hey. Why couldn’t the blonde bob for apples?

STORMY

It wasn’t Halloween?

JERRY

No. Her sister was using the toilet.

STORMY

That makes sense.

STORMY

Duncan. Do you know if there is a pole around here? I wanna dance.

JERRY

Here’s a guy that can help, President Donald Trump.

STORMY

He hates me.

TRUMP

No, no. I made a New Year resolution to love my enemies.

JERRY

Which is everyone on earth.

TRUMP

Fake news. I love money.

STORMY

Gee. Can you find me a pole so I can dance?

TRUMP

Absolutely. There’s a fine gentleman from Warsaw who works at the Polish Embassy. He’s over there schmoozing.

STORMY

That sounds so dirty. I love it!

TRUMP

Come with me. I’ll introduce you.

JERRY

Mitch McConnell, everyone. The Senate Majority Leader.

JERRY

Senator McConnell.

MCCONNELL

Call me, Turtle. Everyone else does.

JERRY

Turtle. Isn’t it great to see everyone getting along at this White House New Years Eve party? I saw Elizabeth Warren kiss the new House Minority Speaker Kevin McCarthy before she vomited.

MCCONNELL

I plan on censuring her when the new session starts.

JERRY

On what grounds?

MCCONNELL

She is introducing a bill that all turtles in captivity must eat organic lettuce. Do you know how much more that stuff is going to cost? My rich in-laws refuse to pay for it.

JERRY

What’s wrong with eating bugs?

MCCONNELL

As I get older, it’s harder to catch flies.

JERRY

Sorry to interrupt your deep thoughts. But here is former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

SESSIONS

Hi Mr. Duncan. Hi Turtle.

JERRY

Bye Turtle. Time to go back to your terrarium.

JERRY

You were fired by Trump. Why would you even want to be here?

SESSIONS

What’s the holidays without an Elf?

JERRY

I hear you’re working for Santa Claus.

SESSIONS

Yes, sir. He gave me a new set of balls for Christmas. I’m finally doing good things in this world. Happy New Year, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Happy New Year everyone. See you soon.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.