Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/8/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Queen Latifah, Princess Anne

Princess Anne proves, once again, that she’s the hardest working royal

I’m calling bullsh** for Queen Latifah!

New Year’s Eve ball drop in Times Square ushers in 2019

This New Year’s Eve it was possible the boy band BTS and the Time Square balls all dropped at the same time.

You’re hired! You’re fired! Yes, the turnover at the top of the Trump Administration is… ‘Unprecedented.’

Yup, so many people are leaving the Trump Administration, it oughta be called ‘Trexit!’

Smoking weed ages your brain by almost 3 years

… no word whether it’s the weed or nachos.

Pete Davidson says Louis C.K. tried to get him fired from “SNL”

I’d say C.K. should take care of his own business, but that didn’t work for him, either.

Louisiana police department invites people to turn in meth for ‘testing’

C’mon, it’s Louisiana. First, they should be ‘testing’ people’s cholesterol.

Obama most admired man in the world for 11th straight year

Let’s face it, it’s true what they say, “once you go Barack you never go back!”

Drake allegedly increases home security due to feud with Kanye

… All on his new reality show “Keeping Out the Kardashians.”

Dwayne Johnson surprises his mom with a new home for Christmas — and she cries tears of joy

Damn, I read that as ‘he surprised her by putting her in a home…’ Congratulations and never mind.

Trump thought he could fire Fed Chair Jerome Powell

… and, I’m betting, replace him with a younger, hotter, Eastern European Fed Chair!

Judge denies Kevin Spacey’s request to skip court appearance

No word if that includes sending Christopher Plummer instead.

Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib calls Trump a ‘M#%&er F&^%er.’

Damn, who’s her speechwriter? Rex Tillerson?!

Kevin Hart reconsidering hosting the Oscars!

For now, that’s the short and the short of it.

Prince Harry has reportedly given up alcohol and caffeine in solidarity with Meghan Markle during her pregnancy

… although, he will continue to talk with his embarrassing white relatives.

The following two tabs change content below.
Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
Paul Lander

Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)