Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/19/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Gayle King interview

R. Kelly’s publicist: His outburst aside, his Gayle King interview helped the singer’s case

For what? An insanity plea?

$13 million worth of meth was found in a trailer hauling frozen strawberries at a Texas port

Well, meth is a known gateway drug to farm grown produce …

Michael Cohen sues Trump Organization for breach of contract related to payment of his legal fees

MAGA – Making Attorneys Get Attorneys.

Jussie Smollett indicted on 16 counts

Boy, did he prove the people wrong who said he’d no longer be able to even get himself arrested.

The Dem 2020 Convention’s in Wisconsin

So, good chance Hillary Clinton will finally visit the state!

Paul Manafort’s judge says Manafort lived an ‘otherwise blameless life’

That’s like if Jeffrey Dahmer’s judge said he lived an ‘otherwise nutritious life.’

J.Lo got engaged to A-Rod, he popped the question with a massive ring

Making her ‘Jenny with the rock.’

Trump issues an ominous warning during an interview that he has the ‘support of the police, the military, and Bikers for Trump’

Bikers for Trump?  Really, I thought Harley Davidson is going bankrupt thanks to Trump, so ‘Bikers for Trump’ aren’t going to look so tough on Schwinns!

Ex-Superman actor Dean Cain says he’d have punched out the kid who egged Neo Nazi

In fairness, cholesterol is the new kryptonite.

Princess Beatrice makes first public appearance with boyfriend wearing a $9,350 Alaïa Dress

No word if she was wearing a dress, too.

Trump hits back hard at TV pundit Ann Coulter: ‘Wacky Nut Job’

… which, ironically, is what they’d call a candy bar named after her.

Happy 30th Birthday, Internet

And I know I speak for cats everywhere… leave us the hell alone!

Trump’s Bible signing session causes a buzz

Trump signing Bibles is like Michelle Duggar signing condoms, y’know neither’s ever actually opened one.

Lori Loughlin to be released on $1,000,000 bond after college admissions scandal arrest

Damn, Lori Loughlin could go from ‘Full House’ to the Big House!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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