Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/25/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

World of Dance

Jose Canseco Accuses A-Rod of Cheating on JLo in a ‘World of Dance’ Twitter Rant

Shocking! Jose actually admitted to watching ‘World of Dance.’

Woman attacked by jaguar says Arizona zoo should consider ‘moving fence’

… to just outside a mental institution.

Trump calls KellyAnne Conway’s husband, the ‘Husband From Hell’

Damn, that’s like Roy Moore Jr. complaining he saw R. Kelly at the Mall.

Kendall Jenner spent her Saturday night playing with a pet snake

So, that’s what kids today are calling it.

Report: Mama June arrested for drug possession after domestic dispute

Now that’s a honey of a boo boo.

GM’s new Corvette is so powerful, it’s warping the frame in tests, report says

… Guys with small penises thrilled!

Mike Pence and Lindsey Graham out campaigning in South Carolina

Throw in a guy in a cowboy hat and one in a cop uniform and you got a Village People tribute band.

Happy 88th Birthday, William Shatner

And a happy 52nd to your hair.

Pompeo suggests Trump was put on Earth to save the Jews

… so those pardons are already written for Jared and Ivanka.

Report: Robert Kraft files motion to stop release of evidence

Well, he is Jewish, so the evidence is circumcisonal.

Liz Warren wants to get rid of the Electoral College

So, one less college for Lori Loughlin to cheat to get her kids into!

Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale are now making out in cars

Look for his Netflix show ‘Comedian in Cars Getting Action.’

Trump claims White Nationalists are small group

… that gets together only for Cabinet meetings.

High schooler regrets accepting dare to jump into shark tank at California aquarium

Especially now that she knows she can get her parents to pay for someone else to do it for her.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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