Most never suspected Walt Whitman would even consider the post of White House Press Secretary.
- Are you, Walt Whitman, prepared to affirm the truth of all I tweet or utter, even if I contradict myself in the same sentence or state demonstrable lies?
I will celebrate yourself, and sing yourself,
And what you assume I shall assume
Or, as we both like to say: Your facts are useful, and yet they are not my dwelling,
And: All truths wait in all things (in other words, nothing is a total lie!).
- Will you do this even if you hate yourself and can’t sleep at night?
I will loathe and fight my soul.
While you are lean, and loafe at your ease.
Then again, you are the President, holding a cabinet council, surrounded by the great Secretaries.
- Will you follow our language restrictions and political positions?
My tongue, will not utter “science-based” or refer to pollution in this soil, this air
(Though personally I say: Hurrah for positive science! long live exact demonstration!).
Also, I will remind reporters that groups of newly-come immigrants cover the wharf or levee…
Which is why we need a great great wall on our Southern border (and must avoid tumbling walls burying you in their debris).
- How will you respond to inquiries about my physical or mental health?
You, now three-and-seventy years old in perfect health, besides
High cholesterol and body mass, are
Stout as a horse, affectionate, haughty, and able to identify
The sharp-hoof’d moose of the north, the cat on the house-sill, the chickadee, the prairie-dog,
According to the Montreal Cognitive Assessment: In short, a stable genius.
- Will you assist the Trump family in building its brand?
Your houses and rooms are full of perfumes, the shelves are crowded with Success and Empire,
I breathe The Fragrance myself and know it and like
Its inspiring blend of fresh juniper and iced red currant,
The distillation would intoxicate Melania, but I shall not let it.
- How will you respond if attention returns to Stormy Daniels or other alleged peccadilloes and dalliances?
A few light kisses, a few embraces, a reaching around of arms,
The smoke of your own breath (use Tic Tacs – and no grabbing!).
You delight alone or in the rush of the streets, in
Your feelings of health, the full-noon Macs, the song of you rising from bed and tweeting for fun.
I will also emphasize that this stable genius even knows the words “peccadillo” and “dalliance.”
- Please illustrate how you would respond to the following inquiries regarding my skills at reading and reckoning:
Has he reckon’d a thousand acres much?
(Answer: Not for a luxury resort with golf course and spa.)
Has he reckon’d the earth much?
(Answer: Next question.)
Has he practis’d so long to learn to read?
(Answer: He still practices!)
Has he felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?
(Answer: He has; watch him read “The Snake” on YouTube.)
- What will you say about my re-election plans?
I have heard what CNN’s talking heads were talking, the talk of the beginning and the end,
But I do not talk of the beginning or the end,
Nor of subpoenas or impeachment.
We will sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world!
- Do you have any questions for me?
Who goes there, hankering, gross, mystical, nude?
[My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.]
Have you outstript the rest? are you the President?
[I wouldn’t mind outstripping Stormy Daniels again, if you catch my drift. Indeed, I AM the President]
What blurt is this about virtue and about vice?
[The word is tweet – get used to it – and mine are always about virtue and vice.]
- Am I great, or what?
There was never any more youth or age in a President than there is now,
And will never be any more perfect Commander-in-Chief than there is now,
Nor any more heaven … or HELL … than there is now.
- Excerpts from Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Presidents’ - March 2, 2020
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