Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/4/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Spelling Bee

Spelling Bee 2019: Eight share Scripps Bee championship in historic first

Among the spelling bee winners were Rishik Gandhasri, Saketh Sundar, Shruthika Padhy, Sohum Sukhatankar, and Abhijay Kodali. Damn, after spelling their own names everything else was easy.

Charlie Sheen confirms bringing a ’lady of the night’ to Denise Richards’ home one Thanksgiving

That isn’t the real question; the real question is: did he bring enough for everyone?

DNC announces tougher requirements for third presidential debate

Guessing just a hand stamp from being in the last debate wasn’t going to cut it.

Trump awards President’s Cup at Sumo event in Japan

Makes sense, it’s the only sporting event where he can claim he’s built like an athlete.

Happy 75th Birthday, Rudy Giuliani

Seems your head’s so far up Trump’s ass you can blow out your candles from his mouth.

Paris Hilton says Lindsay Lohan is ‘lame and embarrassing’

… who says people can’t find what they have in common?

Former CA Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger drop kicked at an event in South Africa

Wow, Maria Shriver’s still got it!

New Coke from 1985 is making a comeback …

Damn, and now it’s harder to find straws to snort it with!!!!

Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson blast Robert De Niro’s anti-Trump remarks: ‘He’s just a has-been actor’

DeNiro: Who?

Owners of Noah’s Ark replica sue insurers to cover $1 million in rain damage

Who covers that? Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom?’

NY Times’ Maggie Haberman: Trump freaked out at Mueller comments because he never read the Special Counsel’s report

In fairness, almost no one has actually read the Mueller Report.

RIP, Bill Buckner

It’s time your number was retired by… the Mets.

Is pizza healthier than cereal in the morning?

Well, it is the ‘slice of life!’

MacKenzie Bezos — just months after her divorce from the world’s richest man — has promised to give at least half of her fortune to charity

Might I recommend my fav charity – Me!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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