Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Canada’s Trudeau hands out gifts to remind Americans who won NBA title

and, being Canadian, there’s a good chance Trudeau then apologized.

Prince Harry apparently almost dated Jennifer Aniston

In fairness, she was on break…

Louise Linton, who is married to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, has complained it “sucks being hated” in a new interview

Adding: “Why can’t we just let them all eat cake?!”

US-Iran: Trump says military was “cocked and loaded” to retaliate

In related news, Stormy Daniels said, “with Trump, that’s more like 1/4 cocked;” and the IRS added, “he’s not really loaded, either.”

Bank of America CEO: “We want a cashless society”

Damn, I’m ahead of my time!

Happy 77th Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney

In Keith Richards years that makes you 347.

The Obamas ink deal with Spotify to produce, host podcasts

Someday Trump’ll have a deal with NyetFlix.

RIP Gloria Vanderbilt

Known for her designer jeans and her genes, Anderson Cooper.

Mitch McConnell on reparations for slavery: “Not a ‘good idea”

He believes people need to earn money the old-fashioned way… inherit it from their in-laws.

The NBA Draft is this week

Or, as the Kardashians call it ‘The Bachelor.’

Woman, 46, who was given the name Marijuana Pepsi at birth defies bullies and critics to become a doctor after earning her PhD

No word if she’s dating Dr. Pepper.

VP Pence calls Trump’s ban on pride flags at US Embassies “the right decision”

Let’s face it, Pence is so homophobic he won’t pet a Cocker Spaniel.

Over $1 Billion worth of cocaine seized in Philadelphia

Sounds like the only crack in Philadelphia isn’t just in the Liberty Bell.

Cuba Gooding Jr. got himself arrested for grabbing a woman’s breast

… now she’s yelling “Show me your money! Show me your money! Show me your money!”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)