Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/1/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Halsey Rolling Stone cover has people talking about her unshaved armpits, natural hair

…causing Halsey to say: “Hey, hey, get your eyes off those places, I have breasts, too!!”

Trump crosses into North Korea, meets with Kim Jong Un

Yeah, but it’s only a matter of time before Trump leaves him for a hotter, Eastern European, Jonger Un.

Courteney Cox celebrates 55th Birthday with ‘Friends’ co-stars Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow

Pretty soon: ‘The One Where They Hit the Early Bird Special and Then Napped…’

Happy 74th Birthday, Carly Simon

Yes, this post is about you. About you.

China’s running out of cold storage as it stocks up on imported pork

Hmmm, that doesn’t sound Kosher to me.

Megan Rapinoe’s two goals power U.S. past host France

Trump’s gotta be jealous that Rapinoe scored twice and didn’t have to pay anyone off.

AP sources: US struck Iranian military computers this week

Not saying the Iranians are behind technologically, but it also shut off every game of Pong.

Trump said he placed sanctions on Ayatollah Khomeini, who died in 1989

… MAGA = Making Ayatollahs’ Ghosts Appear.

Democratic candidates used Spanish to literally speak to Latinx voters

While to reach his most important supporters, Trump would have to speak in Russian.

Rams head coach Sean McVay, girlfriend announce engagement

… Man, so he’s getting a ring, after all…

NASA’s Curiosity rover saw something flash on Mars, and people are freaking out

… while the Martian’s claimed it was just a wardrobe malfunction.

Eric Trump says he got spit on at restaurant

If he thinks that’s bad, he doesn’t want to know what they do to his food.

Today was Sarah Sanders last day as Press Secretary

She confirmed it by denying she was stepping down.

The Dalai Lama said that a female Dalai Lama would have to be attractive

Well, that’s putting the ‘Doll’ in Dalai Lama

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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