Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/15/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft  is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

World Cup champs

Trump walks back White House invite to U.S.A Women’s World Cup champs

He probably thinks there’s a younger, hotter Eastern European Soccer Team out there to leave them for.

Now wasps are forming massive ‘super nests’

… or, as the rest of us call it ‘Connecticut.’

New weed study suggests brain’s individual sensitivity to THC

What was it the brain was sensitive to, again?

Queen Elizabeth passed down to Kate Middleton a gift she’s kept for almost 70 years

Although, what Kate’s going to do with Prince Philip is anyone’s guess.

Break Dancing, skateboarding, sport climbing and surfing have been provisionally included on the sports program of the 2024 Olympics

New Rule, anything that can be a TV show followed with the phrase, “With the Stars” just isn’t a sport.

Trump buddy Jeffrey Epstein indicted for sex trafficking minors

Trump’s gotta be worried Epstein’s going to throw him under the school bus.

Original ‘Little Mermaid’ actress defends Halle Bailey against racist casting backlash

I can’t be only one who, at first, thought people were mad because Halle Berry was too old to play Ariel.

Sean Hannity vows to stump for Trump on 2020 campaign trail

When they appear together it’ll be known as ‘Hannity and Combover.’

Fake Marriage? Melania Trump reportedly living a ‘separate life’

Look for KellyAnne Conway to defend it as an ‘alternative marriage.’

Ancient DNA sheds light on the origins of the Biblical Philistines – Archaeology News

So, looks like Larry King’s results came back from ‘23 and Me.’

Acosta resigns in wake of Epstein sweetheart plea deal

I’m betting Roy Moore Jr.’s gotta be hoping Acosta’s next job is as a Mall cop!

Happy 77th Birthday, Harrison Ford.

Look for the tail light blinker on the Millennium Falcon to stay on throughout the next ‘Star Wars’ installment.

Jill Duggar says she wasn’t ‘recommending’ the Kama Sutra after fans criticize her for posting about the book

C’mon, Jill, tell us what you think, the Kama Sutra is all about taking a position….

“Tens of thousands” of fish are dying from the whiskey runoff in the Kentucky River caused by a 45,000-barrel Jim Beam warehouse fire

… damn, that’s a lot of fried fish…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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