The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Iowa State Fair Democratic Candidates

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews some Democratic candidates running for president, live from the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today we’re live from the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines and will be interviewing some of the Democratic candidates running for president.

Iowa State Fair Democratic CandidatesSENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR

Welcome to the Midwest, Jerry. As you know, I’m the northern neighbor from Minnesota.

JERRY

Hey, Senator. Do you know why Minnesota grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

KLOBUCHAR

Why?

JERRY

So they can park in handicap spaces.

KLOBUCHAR

And that’s why every American needs an opportunity to get an education starting in preschool. I turned out to  be very educated. When I was a little girl, my father gave me a math problem I’ll never forget. If I have 4 beer bottles in one hand and 3 beer bottles in the other hand, what do I have?

JERRY

A drinking problem.

KLOBUCHAR

All these years I thought the answer was 7. Thank you for correcting me.

JERRY

Here’s Senator Cory Booker. What’s that grease all over your face?

SENATOR CORY BOOKER

It’s an Iowa State Fair favorite. I was eating pork chop on a stick. He who eats the most pork chops wins Iowa.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Hold on, Curly.

BOOKER

You talking to me?

SANDERS

(sarcastic) No. I’m talking to Michael Jordan.

BOOKER

Yeah. My head is shiny. If you look closely enough, you can see the reflection of your ugly face.

SANDERS

Jerry. If my old man was alive and saw me eating pork chop on a stick, he would have kicked me in the rear so hard that my buns would have been scattered over Canada. What Iowans care about are healthcare, education and good jobs.

BOOKER

And pork chop on a stick. Oink oink. Oink oink.

JERRY

Bye, Cory. Here comes Author Marianne Williamson

AUTHOR MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Here’s something to think about in your convoluted mind. A hippy walks into a bar. What does the bartender say?

WILLIAMSON

Show me your identification?

JERRY

Sorry. We don’t serve free spirits.

WILLIAMSON

You really think I’m a free spirit? Well, maybe you’re right. Last week I was at a restaurant and told the waiter I was allergic to gluten, dairy and nuts. Then added I was a vegan.

JERRY

What did he say?

WILLIAMSON

Get the hell out of here.

WILLIAMSON

Like a true Nature’s child, I was born. Born to be wild.

JERRY

Be naughty, Marianne. Save Santa a trip.

JERRY

Look who we got. It’s Senator Elizabeth Warren. I’m going to cut to a commercial.

SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN

Wait, Duncan! I want to take you behind the barn and practice my karate.

JERRY

I’m not scared of an Okie. Do you know the most popular pick up line in Oklahoma?

WARREN

No.

JERRY

Nice tooth.

WARREN

You creep. I’m gonna kick your nuts out, so Marianne Williamson can have lunch.

ENTREPRENEUR ANDREW YANG

Sorry to interrupt. May I say a few words?

JERRY

Who are you?

YANG

Andrew Yang. I’m running for president.

JERRY

Sure. And I’m the Pope.

YANG

C’mon. You’ve seen me on TV.

JERRY

Are you the guy that writes sayings for fortune cookies?

YANG

Sure. Open up this cookie, Duncan.

JERRY

Will something bad happen?

YANG

Read it.

JERRY

It says, Your pet is planning to eat you.

YANG

Funny. Right?

JERRY

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

YANG

Listen, Duncan. I want to give you and every American over eighteen, $12,000 to spend in the economy. And free marriage counseling after your wife spends the money on jewelry.

JERRY

I’m not married.

YANG

I figured.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Mr. Yin.

YANG

It’s Yang.

JERRY

Okay, Yin Yang. Bing bang. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.