[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Secretly Makes Plans for Sainthood

Theologian blows whistle on Trump’s sainthood plans.

A theologian who was secretly hired by Trump contacted this reporter regarding a bizarre plan President Trump has to assure that he is admired and praised long after he is gone by attaining sainthood. The theologian opted to remain anonymous, citing the recent mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein. Below is the transcript of the interview.

Theologian on Trump sainthood plansReporter: Why would President Trump hire a theologian?

Theologian: Well, it appears that President Trump was very dissatisfied that the most prestigious award he could get was the Nobel Peace Prize, and that winning the award was not very likely. He wanted an award that would top that and offer a long lasting legacy. So, he decided that he wanted to be canonized.

Reporter: You’re not serious!

Theologian: Definitely. He even planned to launder some money for a secret fund to build a Donald Trump Cathedral next to Mar-a-Lago.

Reporter: Wow! But how do you fit in?

Theologian: At some point, someone mentioned that given his life history, it was impossible that he would be considered for sainthood. Trump said he had heard about a guy named Augustine who had done as many or more things as he, and he became a really important saint.

Reporter: Yeah, but St. Augustine confessed his sins and repented, then led a holy life. That doesn’t sound like Trump.

Theologian: When he hired me, my job was to research and come up with all there was to know about St. Augustine. I really thought he was trying to turn himself around. But when I finished the research he told me that he wanted me to create a document about himself like St. Augustine’s, which he would put in his safe until after his death. At that point I quit.

Reporter: So, did that end the project?

Theologist: Oh no, he just hired a doctoral student in history and promised to pay off his student debt.

Reporter: But you need more than that to become a saint.

Theologist: Right, you have to perform a few miracles, and he’s already arranged for this.

Reporter: What do you mean arranged?

Theologian: He’s paid a few out-of-work actors to fake illnesses he’s going to heal. He’s also planning to have someone steal an important religious article and then have him become clairvoyant and tell them where the object is.

Reporter: Does he really think he can pull this off?

Theologian: He must; he already has an artist drafting designs for statues of St. Trump.

Diane de Anda