My Letter to Alexander Graham Bell

Alexander Graham Bell

2 Cans & a String Recycled…

Dear Mr. Alexander Graham Bell,

Cell Phones on the Toilet?

You don’t just invent things without thinking it through – John Graham Viagra found that out!  

Not even you could spend 4 hours on the Telephone!

Alexander Graham Bell

Well, thank G-d I didn’t just fall off a Verizon Truck; but I’m a slow burning Neo-Luddite.

That’s right – I don’t care that in 1886 more than 150,000 people in the U.S. owned telephones – I’m still on the fence for an iPhone!

Yes, Alex – we’ve come a long way, but let me tell you what you missed: Switchboards, Telephone Books, The Yellow Pages, Pay Phones, Party Lines, Voicemail, Call Waiting, Caller ID, Telemarketers, 2.99 Porn Calls & Skype – yeah, thanks to you – I get to see Grandma in her pajamas!

Okay, Phone Booths were good, but when College kids started squeezing themselves in just to win Guinness Book Records & feel-up women – we needed something new!

When we learned to multi-task, we thought we would find more time to be with our families; but then they sat at the dinner table with phones too!

Then we became a world of ‘Where’s Waldo’ – where everyone who owned a friggin’ Cell annoyingly played the new GPS Game – ‘Guess Where I am’?

I could go on about what it was like in my day – I could dial 0 & get a real Operator who could’ve found Hitler’s number & then ordered a Pizza for me too!

Everyone knows what you said when you first invented it in 1875:

‘One small step for…’ No.

‘All I had on was the Radio’…No, of course it was,

‘Mr. Watson, come here – I want to see you’!

And, Watson said,

‘Wait, I gotta take this’!

The fact is – you were 29.  Watson was 21 – I’ll do the innuendo!

Thomas Watson worked at a Boston machine shop that made electrical equipment where you found him.  Uh huh.

Well, in Watson’s 1926 autobiography, he said, “Neither Bell nor I played a noteworthy part in the great development of the telephone.”

Looks like he wants to distance himself from the whole affair.  I’m just sayin!

So Alex, your invention was good & we thank you – but your phone’s making people really stupid we’re walking in traffic with our heads down falling in Manholes – our population dropped 10,000 last week!

Oh, just curious – did Watson ever…you know, get back to you?

Sincerely,

Marilyn Sands

Alexander Graham Bell

The following two tabs change content below.
Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands is a former 80's Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.
Marilyn Sands

Latest posts by Marilyn Sands (see all)