Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/26/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

greenland

Trump talks about buying Greenland

Because if climate change doesn’t put Greenland under water, his management style will!

This shoe is so popular, Angelina Jolie and Kourtney Kardashian wore it on the same exact day

You’d think they could afford more than one shoe between them …

U.S. Budget deficit already exceeds last year’s total

Sounds like Trump Admin suffers from ‘’Lack of Attention to the Deficit Disorder.”

Trump’s now fighting with Anthony Scaramucci

It’s The Mooch vs. the Moocher!

Ex-Eagle Scout accused in online drug empire to stand trial

And, he would’ve got away with it if hadn’t asked for a badge for entrepreneurship.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are breaking up

Damn Clintons!

Mia Khalifa only made 12,000 dollars in her years in porn

So, she got screwed … and screwed.

Happy 89th Sean Connery

He’s spending it with your mother, Trebek.

Suspect arrested in murder of 24-year-old Russian Instagram influencer found stuffed in suitcase

Or, as it’s also known in Russia ‘natural causes.’

Trump official wants to change words on Statue of Liberty plaque

To what? “Give me your young, hot women from Eastern Europe longing to be a trophy wife…”

Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper holiday together as relationship speculation mounts

Oh, there’s some mounting going on, all right ….

Disney World just opened the NBA Experience

Or, as the Kardashians call it a ‘date night.’

Shell workers were told show up at Trump rally or don’t get paid

… As opposed to working for Trump, show up and never get paid.

Former Trump Press Secretary Sean Spencer’s going to appear on ‘Dancing with Stars’

Makes sense, he’s already a world class tap dancer!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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