Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/16/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A Star Is Born

Lady Gaga shows off new pink hair as she celebrates one-year anniversary of ‘A Star Is Born’

Apparently, “a star is bored.”

Trump abandons Kurds in Syria

In fairness, Trump’s probably abandoning the Kurds for younger, hotter, Eastern European resistance fighters.

Tulsi Gabbard threatens to boycott Democratic debate

Tulsi Gabbard is the Hawaiian word for Jill Stein…

Happy Birthday, Yo Yo Ma

Imagine how different your life would’ve been if you’d been named Yo Ma Ma.

Putin is behind so-called peace deal in Ukraine

Makes sense he wants peace… a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Slovakia, a piece of Finland!

Tiffany Haddish is studying for her Bat Mitzvah

No word if she will then change her name to Tiffany Kaddish.

Minneapolis wants Trump to pay for police security in advance of his rally there

Or, at least to invoice Mexico.

There’s a claim Elizabeth Warren had sex with a 24-year-old, body builder, ex-Marine with a Vin Diesel Triple X tattoo on his back

Or, as Lindsey Graham probably calls her “lucky.”

Charlize Theron sports an all-nude look as she rocks a thumb brace while heading inside to Jimmy Kimmel

It can’t be all nude if she has on a thumb brace.

Jane Fonda’s plan to move to Washington, D.C to get arrested was a success

I’m shocked, shocked any actress her age can still get herself arrested…

Geraldo Rivera: Trump “Surrounded by backstabbers, vipers, rats, snitches”

That’s less of a statement and more of job application from Geraldo.

Trump tweeted about his “great and unmatched wisdom”

Dude sounds like the Wizard of Oz, if the Wizard had grabbed Dorothy “by the pussy!”

Hailey Bieber reacts to Taylor Swift fan slamming her and Justin: “I’m not worth the energy”

No word yet if there’s been a response back from Selena Gomez.

JWoww dumps boyfriend Zack After he flirted with Angelina

Could be worse… could be the makings of a spinoff ‘Jersey Sores.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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