Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
‘Cats’ has one of the 20 worst movie box office opening weekends ever
Now we know why you can’t spell Catastrophe without CATS.
Kourtney Kardashian’s Christmas Eve Party had Sia, a Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reunion, and all the sisters
Here’s betting the theme was “Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho…”
Eddie Murphy returns to ‘SNL’ as Mister Robinson, Gumby and Buckwheat, Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump crashes Democratic debate in cold open
Too bad Eddie Murphy and Alec Baldwin as Trump didn’t do a song parody on SNL called “Ebony and Orangey.”
Jay-Z and Diddy both turned 50
… pretty soon they’ll be doing Broken Hip Hop!
Giuliani makes astonishing admission he told Trump ambassador would not help him politically, but insists “that was, like, general gossip”
Damn, everyday Giuliani seems less like a guy who married a close relative and more like a guy whose parents were close relatives.
The CEO of a Silicon Valley startup was quietly fired after allegedly spending over $75,000 at strip clubs and charging it to a company credit card
In fairness, maybe he thought it all fit under silicone.
Senate GOP wants speedy Trump acquittal
Well, on the upside, If Trump is acquitted in the Senate, he can go spend time with OJ looking for the real killer!
Germany to create 600 jobs to tackle far-right extremism
If only they could just press ‘Alt Right Delete.’
“I never understood wind, I know windmills very much, I’ve studied them more than anybody… tremendous fumes, gases are spewing into the atmosphere, you know we have a world, the world is tiny compared to the universe” — Trump
You know, it probably makes more sense in the original Russian.
Florida man found eaten by alligator actually died from meth overdose, officials say
It also explains why the gator complained of lack of sleep and held up a liquor store…
Rep. Matt Gaetz raises Hunter Biden’s substance abuse during hearing
Face it, after multiple DUIs, Rep. Gaetz talking about Hunter Biden’s substance abuse is like Jeffrey Dahmer talking crap about someone’s dietary habits.
Historic Lesbian same-sex kiss in ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ polarizes ‘Star Wars’ fans
Although, watching it might explain the ‘rise’ of Skywalker.
Giuliani says New York prosecutors would be ‘a–holes’ to prosecute him
… leaving room for him to prosecute himself.
Prosecutors in day spa prostitution sting turn up the heat on Patriots owner Robert Kraft
And, even at his age, he apparently gets hot quickly.