Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Mitch McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, captains of “The Ship of Fools.”
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, of what we lovingly call “The Ship of Fools.”
JERRY
Good morning, Turtle.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
Turtles rule, Duncan. I got the president acquitted in the Senate Impeachment Trial. And everyone knows he’s guilty as hell. Ha ha ha.
JERRY
The zoo just called. There’s an amber alert out for you.
See ‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ live! Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020.
MCCONNELL
Maybe I better hide in my shell.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
In honor of our victory, I brought a bottle of wine.
JERRY
I don’t drink wine. Real men like beer.
DERSHOWITZ
Your loss. Here Mitch, let me pour you a glass. Mine is filled to the brim.
MCCONNELL
Thank you, Dershy.
DERSHOWITZ
(they clink glasses)
L’Chaim.
MCCONNELL
Mayim Bialik to you.
MCCONNELL
(takes a gulp) This stuff tastes nasty. What brand is it?
DERSHOWITZ
Manischewitz.
MCCONNELL
Maniwhatich?
DERSHOWITZ
It’s an open bottle from my Bar Mitzvah. I was saving it for a special occasion.
MCCONNELL
Duncan. I may pass out. I’m light headed and nauseous.
DERSHOWITZ
Call his veterinarian!
Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.
DONALD TRUMP
The president to the rescue. Wait a second, I’m withholding help. Turtle couldn’t control Senator Mitt Romney. I did nothing wrong. As Dershy said, I can do anything I want as long as it is in the national interest.
JERRY
And getting dirt on a political opponent from a foreign government is in our national interest?
TRUMP
I asked Putin if that’s okay. He agreed.
DERSHOWITZ
The Turtle looks green. I feel awful.
JERRY
Turtles are green. Only in Brooklyn are turtles black and blue. And that’s because idiots like you played stickball with their shells, Dershy.
TRUMP
Okay. Call the vet. Who cares? I came here to make a major announcement.
JERRY
Go ahead, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Since I can do what I want with no repercussions, I’m going to arrest all the Democrats in Congress and Mitt Romney. Hard labor in the slammer. They’ll be wearing orange jumpsuits, clearing brush and filling potholes on the highways. Our infrastructure will finally be built. Thank you Alan Dershowitz for making this all possible.
DERSHOWITZ
Will I get my own show on Fox?
TRUMP
Fake news. Oops.
JERRY
Dershy. You’re a baseball fan.
DERSHOWITZ
Big time.
JERRY
Do you know the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
DERSHOWITZ
No.
JERRY
Yes. You do.
DERSHOWITZ
I really don’t. Tell me.
JERRY
O.J. Simpson.
DERSHOWITZ
Look! Turtle is getting up.
MCCONNELL
Someone get me some lettuce. I’m starving.
TRUMP
Drain the swamp in 2020.
MCCONNELL
No, Trumpster. I’ll lose my home.
JERRY
Listen to these knuckleheads. The difference between a car and a Republican is you get to test drive a car. See you tomorrow.
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