The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Ship of Fools

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Mitch McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, captains of “The Ship of Fools.”

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Ship of Fools Mitch McConnell by DonkeyHotey
Mitch McConnell. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, of what we lovingly call “The Ship of Fools.”

JERRY

Good morning, Turtle.

SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL

Turtles rule, Duncan. I got the president acquitted in the Senate Impeachment Trial. And everyone knows he’s guilty as hell. Ha ha ha.

JERRY

The zoo just called. There’s an amber alert out for you.


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MCCONNELL

Maybe I better hide in my shell.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ

In honor of our victory, I brought a bottle of wine.

JERRY

I don’t drink wine. Real men like beer.

DERSHOWITZ

Your loss. Here Mitch, let me pour you a glass. Mine is filled to the brim.

MCCONNELL

Thank you, Dershy.

DERSHOWITZ

(they clink glasses)

L’Chaim.

MCCONNELL

Mayim Bialik to you.

MCCONNELL

(takes a gulp) This stuff tastes nasty. What brand is it?

DERSHOWITZ

Manischewitz.

MCCONNELL

Maniwhatich?

DERSHOWITZ

It’s an open bottle from my Bar Mitzvah. I was saving it for a special occasion.

MCCONNELL

Duncan. I may pass out. I’m light headed and nauseous.

DERSHOWITZ

Call his veterinarian!

Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.

DONALD TRUMP

The president to the rescue. Wait a second, I’m withholding help. Turtle couldn’t control Senator Mitt Romney. I did nothing wrong. As Dershy said, I can do anything I want as long as it is in the national interest.

JERRY

And getting dirt on a political opponent from a foreign government is in our national interest?

TRUMP

I asked Putin if that’s okay. He agreed.

DERSHOWITZ

The Turtle looks green. I feel awful.

JERRY

Turtles are green. Only in Brooklyn are turtles black and blue. And that’s because idiots like you played stickball with their shells, Dershy.

TRUMP

Okay. Call the vet. Who cares? I came here to make a major announcement.

JERRY

Go ahead, Trumpster.

TRUMP

Since I can do what I want with no repercussions, I’m going to arrest all the Democrats in Congress and Mitt Romney. Hard labor in the slammer. They’ll be wearing orange jumpsuits, clearing brush and filling potholes on the highways. Our infrastructure will finally be built. Thank you Alan Dershowitz for making this all possible.

DERSHOWITZ

Will I get my own show on Fox?

TRUMP

Fake news. Oops.

JERRY

Dershy. You’re a baseball fan.

DERSHOWITZ

Big time.

JERRY

Do you know the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

DERSHOWITZ

No.

JERRY

Yes. You do.

DERSHOWITZ

I really don’t. Tell me.

JERRY

O.J. Simpson.

DERSHOWITZ

Look! Turtle is getting up.

MCCONNELL

Someone get me some lettuce. I’m starving.

TRUMP

Drain the swamp in 2020.

MCCONNELL

No, Trumpster. I’ll lose my home.

JERRY

Listen to these knuckleheads. The difference between a car and a Republican is you get to test drive a car. See you tomorrow.

Dean Kaner

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