Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The WHO says Coronavirus is not a pandemic

… Yeah, maybe, but I’m waiting to hear from LED ZEPPELIN.

Prince Harry wants everyone to just call him ‘Harry’ from now on

As opposed to, “The Royal formerly known as Prince.”

Bed Bath & Beyond plans to invest $1 billion on share buybacks, debt reduction, and store upgrades

Actually, only $800 million because they’re going to use a 20% off coupon!

2020 says goodbye to Leap Year for four more years

It’s like Oprah came up with leap year: “You get an extra day, and you get an extra day and you get an extra day.”

Trump in India

3… 2… 1… until he mentions his favorite Indian ‘Pocahontas.’

Harvey Weinstein found guilty in landmark #MeToo moment

Weinstein’s next movie oughta be ‘No Country for Creepy Old Men!’

Bloomberg and Trump trade insults on Twitter

It’s “stop and frisk” versus “stop and feel up!”

Computer scientist responsible for cut, copy, and paste, has passed away

Or, as he would have put it: “The responsible for cut, copy, and paste computer scientist has passed away.”

Happy 55th birthday, Dr Dre

Dre’s getting close to when ‘The Chronic’ will also describe his lower back pain.

McDonald’s to sell limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients: Ketchup, Pickle, Cheese, Onion & Beef

… and then light a Gwyneth Paltrow candle so it’ll be like having sex after a really cheap date…

Coronavirus Stock Market correction takes hold as stocks suffer worst week loss in years

Damn, the markets have been so rough, the S&P should be renamed the S&M.

Pro-Trump talk show host said “I saw Jesus Christ emanating from Trump”

Makes sense, maybe he was just another carpenter Trump didn’t pay.

Miley Cyrus walked NYFW runway in a bra and wowzers

I’m shocked, shocked they got Miley to wear a bra!

Why a top Trump aide said “we are desperate” for more immigrants

Uh, American women won’t date them?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)