Donald Trump Raptured by Church of Scientology

Trump raptured: Church of Scientology offers Trump refuge from political persecution.

Meth-guzzling 60s psychedelic lunatics and dollar-loving all-American Kool Aid hustlers, the “Church” of Scientology have show solidarity with fellow morally deranged (and/or otherwise deranged) megabucks “wealth creator” The Donald, and offered him refuge from political persecution by getting Trump raptured.

trump raptured ufo

As the most oppressed religious minority in the world, not to mention the most oppressed wealth creator minority in the world, we are better placed than anyone in history to truly understand the plight of Skydaddy Donald. Walking in the path of prophets Jeremiah, Isa, Buddha and Sri Krishna, we too have been despised by the elite mainstream, whose narrow conformity has faced an existential threat from our edgy yet nonetheless insufferably humorous and self-righteous trolling operations.

Just as the First and Second Temples of Israel, the pagan Arabs of the Jahiliyya and the old school Brahmins persecuted all who went before, because they thought their bat-shit crazy, bullshit, made-up opinions were somehow the only remotely entertainable vision of the world, so also do normies and haters persecute the Church of Scientology, not because we are wrong, but because we are right!

I mean, if everybody hates you, you know you’re doing something right, K?! From L Ron Hubbard to Donald Trump, from Charles Taze Russell to Charles Manson, anyone who is derided by several billion people pretty much HAS to be one of the good guys! I mean, speaking for myself, I just personally couldn’t bear it if not only did the entire world laugh at me 24/7, but worse still, they were doing it for a REASON! Because everything I say and do is BULLSHIT! I mean hell, we really, really, really don’t want to live in that kind of horrible world, do we? OF COURSE NOT! So it necessarily follows from this, that Scientology is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH! I mean, if you’re sick of mainstream, middle of the road normie religions who refuse to push the logic of their faith to their ‘logical’ (!) conclusions, then rest assured that the last thing on earth ANY true Scientologist will do is do things by halves, and refuse to follow our reasoning and practices wherever the logical conclusion leads, NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

Donald Trump, having recently developed a salutary ‘no praise is bad praise’ mindset, is said to be seriously considering the proposal, particularly as the Christian Church and other mainstream normie faiths today are so morally compromised.

Several billion who all hate ME obviously can’t be right, right? The more haters and losers you’re confronted with day and daily, the more closer you are to the truth! Well hey, I kinda like your thinking, bro! Personally, I’m a big fan of the ‘majority sucks’ theory on haters, it’s one of the best things I’ve invented, I’m tremendously proud of it, everybody is talking about it, people are saying stuff. HAPPY!

A likewise edgy Fake News Breitbart op-ed from the Failing Breitbart News says:

Of course, many people in the dishonest fake news media will try to spin the following perfectly subjective and refutation-proof assertion as somehow xenophobic, or even outright racist: but the TOM or Thetan-Occupied MSM is quite clearly responsible for these obvious and transparent falsehoods against the Best of Hermaphroditic Gastropods. And anyways, the very fact likening Trump to Jabba the Hubbard is deemed an INSULT clearly tells you all you need to know about the enemies of the galaxy!

Now we just need to work out where to shove that damn wall!

But then again, as the ancient wisdom says…


Man up, normies!

Sensible non-senile middle of the road dude Joseph ‘Steady Joe Biden’ remarks:

Donald Trump and L Ron Hubbard. One is a demented, highly strung, super-snowflake (brain) death cult leader with a puffy, narcotics-addled face, utterly infuriating voice, and a legion of brainwashed zombie tithers, and the other…
Oh wait, that joke has been going around ever since we dropped that goddamn iceberg in the volcano! Nevermind…


Well we learned a lot! Come ‘n’ get it, Esther Williams! Great movie by the way, but I ain’t no Sauron, you and Xi Jinping can come on over here and I’ll kick the shit out of BOTH of you! Well it worked in that Harry Potter movie! Star Wars, Spaceballs, you know the one with the all American action hero! You goddamn horse faced Vader soldier, look at the crowds er… Anyone?!

Although Trump has been safely raptured to the Mothership, we are confident Joe will be coming to meet him in the clouds very soon. He just has a few Balrogs of his own to slay first…

Originally published on Glossy News.

Jonathan Ferguson