Annual St. Patrick’s Day Shenanigan Festival canceled by unusually cautious Leprechauns amid coronavirus fears.
Colin McCreedy, president of the International Brotherhood of Leprechauns and Wee People, has announced the cancellation of their 1500th annual St. Patrick’s Day Shenanigan Festival. The celebration, held every year at an undisclosed magical location deep in the forest, features drinking contests, poetry readings, fistfights and sing-alongs, along with plenty of additional trouble-making trickery and hi-jinx.
“In recent years wee leprechauns have been hit especially hard by the effects of deforestation and the resulting loss of environmental resources,” McCreedy said, “and we can hardly afford to have a highly contagious illness like the coronavirus causing further devastation. For that reason we’ve imposed a 3 week self-quarantine on all of our members.”
McCreedy acknowledged that it may be difficult for many of the leprechauns to adjust to these new conditions. “Leprechauns love to get out and about, causing all sorts of mischief and trouble. It’s absolutely our number one favorite pastime, so it’ll be a tough transition to go from that to in-home isolation. To help our members cope, and to assist them in getting their daily recommended allowance of trickery and deception, we’re suggesting a steady diet of Fox news.”
Leprechauns, of course, are well-known for their Republican sympathies. “Generally we don’t like snakes in the grass,” McCreedy explained, “but with Republicans we’ve made an exception. After all, how can you not like someone with a ‘pub’ right in the middle of their name? We’re also convinced that Trump himself is a leprechaun. His orange skin and pathological greed are dead giveaways, but so far he’s refused to release his DNA test results.”
“Despite that,” McCreedy continued, “we have a lot of admiration and respect for the president. We figure that anyone who’s such a grouchy, greedy, gold-hording, hedonistic, narcissistic old troublemaker can’t be all bad. Besides, with the many financial disruptions he’s been causing in the markets, the price of gold is skyrocketing! And the last time that happened was under Bush II, firstly right after after 9/11, and then again during the housing crash of 2008. Thank God for Republicans!”
As a precautionary measure, the leprechauns have sent Trump one and a half tons of magical lucky four-leaf clovers so he can survive the rest of his term without completely destroying everything. “We’re not sure if that’s enough,” McCreedy stated, “We actually wanted to send him more, but we had to save some for ourselves, just in case the moron gets reelected!”
- This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Presidential Tantrump - November 17, 2020
- This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Surrounding the Coroner - November 2, 2020
- Trump’s “Jeers of a Clown” - October 23, 2020