President attends rally of pro-Trump turkeys to offset “rally-withdrawal” side-effects.
Fighting the effects of “rally-withdrawal” symptoms due to social distancing guidelines, President Donald Trump today addressed an enthusiastic crowd of pro-Trump turkeys. “As with all of my supporters, I’m only here to serve you!” Trump promised the adoring cluster-flock, who flapped their right wings in delight as they franticly ran around in circles gobbling up all of the pompous circumstance.
The rally was the brainchild of White House staffer Quint Cognito, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We’ve been worried about President Trump for the past three and a half years,” he explained, “And then over the past month or so, during our national quarantine, we’ve gotten downright terrified. It’s become painfully obvious to us how much he misses those big, angry pro-Trump rallies. He positively thrives on all that negativity and hate! And without it he’s like some kind of alcoholic drug addict suffering cold-turkey withdrawal symptoms. The official medical terminology for his condition is acute narcisstic assaholism.”
“We’ve tried to supplement the appalling lack of ridiculously reverent homage he’s been receiving by applauding him every time he farts, but it hasn’t been enough. Then, just last week, he came down with a bad case of the shakes and started foaming at the mouth. Next thing you know he’s having hallucinations and becomes convinced that he’s the Burger King from those TV commercials, and that he’s being hunted down by his own personal army of disloyal whoppers. Then he attacks his reflection in the mirror! We knew it was serious at that point because he’s never done that before. Attack a mirror, I mean.”
“At first we thought we might be able to hold a rally of monkeys, apes and baboons for him at the zoo, but then we realized that since those are all extremely intelligent animals they might start throwing their poop at him.That was when I remembered Dom Durkee’s open invitation for the president to visit his ‘Butter Y’all Up’ turkey farm in Rubesville Alabama. After a perfect phone call to verify the president’s gratuity, er gratitude, all of the necessary arrangements were made.”
Durkee was thrilled to have the president visit his sprawling 666 acre farm. “There’s something tremendous about Trump,” he gushed, “The turkeys really seem to relate to him. It’s like he speaks their language. And I’ve had all the big names here, giving motivational speeches to my flock. Sarah Painlin, Bill O’Really, Lou Dudd, Glen Wreck… you name ’em and I’ve had ’em. But President Donald Trump is the biggest turkey crowd pleaser of all! He’s just tremendous!”
When asked whether the president would be holding more pro-Trump turkey rallies in the future, Cognito said: “There’s a good chance of that. We certainly have enough turkeys in this country to help the president make it through this current crisis indefinitely. Who knows, maybe pro-Trump turkey rallies, like every other Trump event, will soon become all the rage!”