Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mary Trump memoir ‘Too Much and Never Enough’ sold 950,000 copies on its first day

It’s so accurate it repeats Chapter 11 six times.

Victoria Beckham congratulated her son Brooklyn on his engagement to Nicola Peltz

Adding, she told Nicola: “If you wanna be my daughter-in-law you gotta get with my son. Zigazig, ah!”

Burger King’s giving cows lemongrass to cut down cow farting

…. While, the people who thought of this are smoking good old-fashioned grass!!!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg back in hospital with infection

Could be she’s just allergic to the bubble wrap she’s kept in?

Trump says Biden wants to ban windows

That’s really going to upset Putin, how else are people going to die of natural causes?!

The WHO ending hydroxychloroquine trial for COVID

But, mostly to focus on their music.

New York prosecutors believe Ivanka Trump skimmed millions from the 2016 Inaugural Fund

When she could’ve just gone to Jared.

Multiple Dallas Cowboy and Houston Texan players have tested positive for coronavirus

While members of the New York Jets remain unable to catch anything.

Canadians say ‘keep it’ to U.S. as Congress calls for reopened border

… well, at least, they said it politely.

RIP, John Lewis

May you find good trouble in your next journey!

Tucker Carlson claims it’s not a punishment that he’s going on “vacation”

Hmmm, that’s like Roy Moore Jr. saying he prefers shopping online instead of at the mall!

Katie Holmes followed Thandie Newton on Instagram after Thandi recalled a “nightmare” Tom Cruise

Story Translation, Katie Holmes: Hold my beer!

Squirrel tests positive for bubonic plague in Colorado, health officials warn

… Okay, that’s just nuts!

WH portraits of Clinton and George W. Bush were moved from a prominent spot to a place Trump won’t see them

… Melania’s bedroom…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)