[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump: ‘I Have Tremendous Respect for Women!’

Warning: Do not read if you are allergic to articles poking fun at President Trump. Allergic reactions may include rash, facial swelling, hives, itching and head explosion.

President Trump claims he has “tremendous respect for women,” in fact, “greater than any respect by any president ever.”

Last week President Trump tweeted that he “has done more for WOMEN than just about any president in HISTORY!” And he proclaimed that “as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of women’s rights, we should build a beautiful statue in Washington D.C. to honor the many brave women who made this possible for our GREAT COUNTRY.”

Trump tremendous respect for women
Trump announces his “tremendous respect for women.”

Later, in a hastily arranged “chopper talk” news conference, he reiterated that he has “done so much for women” and that, “when you’re president, they let you do it.” He then explained that he even has two female cabinet members, Secretary of Education, Betsy Ross and “that Asian one whose name I can’t remember.” He then mentioned that he has also done a great deal financially for many women including Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Stormy Daniels.

Trump continued by saying that he has “tremendous respect for women and even two of my children are women, Ivanka and the other one, the chubby one.” He then exclaimed that he respects all women “except those that are nasty and a lot of them are nasty, that I can tell you. Also, some are fat pigs or slobs or dogs like Rosie O’Donnell while others are simply low IQ like Maxine Waters. But for the most part I hold them in high esteem, I realize how much they have contributed to our history and how they have helped make America great.”

He went on to say that “many of the women in American history have been great builders, like me. One that stands out is Harriet Tubman who, with the help of John Henry, created that great railroad. Another tremendous builder was Harriet Beecher Stowe who erected that beautiful, strong cabin for her Uncle Tom.”

The president then added, “and who could forget that brave, American heroine Dolley Madison who saved the picture of George Washington when the Canadians burned down the White House during the Revolutionary War. We know from the history books that she later built an amazing ice cream company.”

He then cited other heroic American females, including “Sriracha-wea who helped Lewis and Clark in their expedition to find the fountain of youth and that math lady who helped NASA with math stuff and, of course, Aunt Jemima who created an incredible maple syrup company that everyone is talking about.” And, finally, he brought up Sojourner Truth who he said a lot of people tell him was a great abolitionist and women’s rights activist, although he confessed that he didn’t know much about Truth.

Trump then stunned reporters when he said that since Biden had picked a female as his running mate, he might drop Pence and pick a woman too. He indicated that Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Clair Underwood were on his short list, claiming that they had the right experience for the job.

The president then circled back on his earlier remark about building a female statue, saying that he had changed his mind about it. Instead, he had decided to put a female face on Mt. Rushmore, right next to his. He asserted that he hadn’t decided which female face he wanted on the national memorial, but he indicated that it would not be Nancy Pelosi’s, as “no one wants to look at that face.” He then mentioned Scarlett Johansson as a possibility.

So, there you have it. President Trump has tremendous respect for women. Can you imagine if he didn’t?

JC Wade
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