Help the Billionaires Fund - David Martin, Humor Times

Donate to the Billionaires Fund today and help support America’s poor wealthy!

These are the faces of the three Sackler brothers whose OxyContin-selling company Purdue Pharma is facing bankruptcy. And those are the brothers Koch, Charles and the late David, who spent much of their money trying to help others with no thought of benefit for themselves. These five men belong to one of America’s fastest growing disadvantaged groups: billionaires.

Fifty years ago, there were only dozens of these unfortunate souls. But now there are hundreds and because their numbers continue to grow, they desperately need our help.

You may seldom see them but they live among us. Just not in your immediate neighborhood. Sadly, they are often forced to live in remote compounds walled off from you and me. Theirs is a sad lonely existence living behind electrified gates and fences.

Due to the curse of inherited or accumulated wealth, these poor souls don’t have access to the things some of us take for granted, like unemployment insurance, social assistance, food stamps and Medicaid. Every day they have to be 100% self-reliant. Except for the occasional seven-figure tax cut or multi-million dollar government subsidy, they are forced to provide for themselves.

Unlike us, billionaires must deal with the never-ending problem of rapidly increasing riches. The Sacklers and the Kochs are typical victims of today’s economy. While you enjoy the certainty of living pay check to pay check, they must try to cope with the heartache and tragedy of unanticipated revenues and continuous capital accumulations.

In your lifetime, you’ll likely never have to suffer the stress of being in the highest tax bracket or repeatedly facing million-dollar capital gains. But the brothers Sackler and Koch and more than a thousand others like them face these challenges every day.

Yes, there have been advances in recent decades to help America’s disadvantaged. We’ve managed to lower their top marginal tax rates from 80% to an effective rate of 25% or less. We’ve reduced the tax on their capital gains, provided new tax loopholes and created new offshore tax havens. But we can do more.

Please call the number on your screen right now and give to the Help the Billionaires Fund. For as little as one dollar a day, you can help sponsor one of America’s unfortunate billionaires.

Your donation can assist in any number of small ways. It may go to buy something as simple as a new gold-plated door knocker for one of your sponsored billionaire’s multiple residences. Or it might pay for stocking the mini-fridge in one of his planes or automobiles.

If you can afford five dollars a day, your annual donation can help feed a hungry billionaire and make sure that he is never without the necessities of a wealthy life such as Champagne, truffles and caviar.

For $25 a day, you can help clothe one of America’s most needy. For the price of five daily lattes, you’ll help to ensure that your sponsored billionaire will always have a ready supply of silk shirts and ties and never again suffer the humiliation of having to buy suits off the rack.

Your gift will also help achieve the legal victories that will eventually allow these folks to enjoy all the rights and privileges they deserve. Already the U. S. Supreme Court has taken steps to guarantee that America’s billionaires do not suffer unduly from severe campaign financing limitations. But there is more work to be done and your generous gift can help to one day lift any and all restrictions on billionaires’ campaign donations so they can exercise their full democratic rights.

So donate today and help support America’s wealthy. Despite our best efforts, their numbers continue to grow thereby threatening the adequate supply of everything from Mercedes-Benzes to private jets to professional sports franchises.

Remember; by providing these folks with more, you’re really just helping yourself when the money eventually trickles back down to you. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.