[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

The Ballot Counters

Trump announced that he would be naming Mazars USA, the same company that prepares the Trump Organization tax returns, as the official ballot counters.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that all information in this article is provided with no guarantee of completeness, accuracy, timeliness, or humor.

Ballot Counters MazarsPresident Trump has been making his opposition to mail-in voting a major theme in the 2020 election. He insists that it will lead to widespread fraud. Trump has also asserted that the results won’t be known on election night because so many Americans will opt to send in their ballot due to the pandemic and it will take a lot of time to count them all. “You won’t know the election results for weeks, months, maybe years after. Maybe you’ll never know the election outcome unless I take decisive action,” he claimed.

There appears to be little that the President can do to stop states from allowing people to mail in their ballots, but he has developed a plan to speed up the counting of them.

Yesterday, in a hastily called news conference, Trump stunned reporters by announcing that he would be signing an executive order naming the accounting firm, Mazars USA LLP, as the official ballot counters for all mail-in votes. Mazars USA has been in the news lately as they are the accounting firm that has been preparing the Trump Organization tax returns that the failing New York Times has recently reported on.

“We will be using Mazars,” the president declared, “because they said very strongly and powerfully that they can do a beautiful count. And they are fast ballot counters. That I can tell you. They are accountants so they obviously are not people that you want to socialize with (ZZZZZ), but they know how to count things. Mazars has big, beautiful numbers and they also have unbelievably beautiful small numbers as you have seen on my tax returns.”

“They will be counting the ballots including some of the Black, LGBT, and Muslim ones and even many submitted by the Hispanics who love me by the way.”

Trump then explained that even with a big-league accounting firm like Mazars doing the tallying, he will have the figures audited by another accounting firm to further ensure that the election results are accurate and free of fraud. Trump said that he hadn’t decided on the audit firm although he was adamant that it would not be Ernest & Young who tabulates the voting for the Emmy Awards. “Those awards are rigged because The Apprentice didn’t win. I should have gotten an Emmy,” he cried. Trump went on to state that, of course, the election results couldn’t be released while they were under audit. He estimates that the audit should be completed by no later than November 2024.

Later, in an unrelated statement, Trump announced that he would bypass the Senate confirmation process and sign another executive order naming Amy Farrah Fowler to the Supreme Court. She is very smart and is, in fact, a Roads Scholar having traveled extensively throughout our great country. Trump explained that not having a law degree was not a liability for her and that her knowledge of neuroscience would come in handy. Trump said it would be helpful to have someone on the Supreme Court who understands why he behaves the way he does and that he has an incredibly big brain.
We’ll see what happens.

JC Wade
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