[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Breaking: Trump Campaign Out of Money, Resorting to Online Auction

With less than a week to go and out of cash, the Trump campaign has announced that they will hold an online auction.

Trump’s online auction could hold some real bargains. The following are some of the items people can bid on:

online auction
The First Lady will model in your home if your win this online auction item.

Walk Like a D-List Model: First Lady, Melania Trump, will come to your home and demonstrate how to walk in four-inch heels. (Open to all genders, heels not included.)

The Art of the Steal: In the privacy of your own home (with curtains and blinds drawn), Trump accountants will show you how to cheat on your taxes.

Slovenian Dinner: Melania will prepare, what she refers to as “traditional shit-hole country dinner,” consisting of goulash and fried goat cheese. (Under the conditions of her pre-nup, FLOTUS is required to prepare the meal, not actually eat it.)

All the Right Moves: The President will teach you his classic pick-up technique: the stop, drop, and grab.

Fantasy Island: Mike Pence will train you how to keep a straight face while you fantasize about having sex with baby goats on a grassy knoll in early spring, hypothetically speaking that is.

Sotto Voce: Ivanka Trump will demonstrate how to speak in a low sultry voice and fight one’s natural inclination to shriek with rage.

The Art of the Stockpile: Using the model he used during the pandemic, Jared Kushner will prove to kids, ages three to five, that sharing is overrated. Through a series of Power Point presentations, Kushner offers a compelling argument for why kids should keep all their toys to themselves.

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