The Notorious RBG Appeals to a Courtroom in Heaven
Ruth Bader Ginsberg (RBG) stands at a podium facing nine justices known as The Supreme Court of the Universal Ministry (SCOTUM). Seated on their respective thrones are: Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Stalin, Aristotle, Shakespeare, Mahatma Gandhi, Einstein (Chief Justice), Charles Darwin, and Elvis.
RBG: Your honors, if it please the court. We are in the midst of the most important election in history. The President is trying to suppress the will of the people. He’s ignoring science, creating racial unrest, stoking white supremacy-
Einstein: Oy, enough Ruthie. We see what that putz is doing.
Mother Teresa: It was an honest mistake. The angel meant to get Ruth Bader Ginzberg from The Boca Raton Home for the Aged. Have mercy on the poor man.
Stalin: He’s been dealt with. His wings have been clipped and he was sent to Siberia -I mean the sub-basement.
Ruth: Are you saying you brought me up here by mistake? I protest!
Shakespeare: The lady doth protest too much, me thinks.
Elvis: Hey Willy, no one talks like that anymore man.
Ruth: Please, I promise I’ll come back after he’s out of the White House.
Einstein: Some of his tweets do make my hair stand on end-
MLK: Your hair always looks that way.
Aristotle: It’s the hard water up here Al.
Mother Teresa: Be grateful, the Lord has blessed you with a full head of hair.
Mahatma Gandhi: I would kill for your hair.
Einstein: It’s not too poufy?
Ruth: Can we please stop with the hair? The mashugana won’t even put on a damn mask, and people are dying.
Mahatma Gandhi: An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
Mother Teresa: We must have compassion for the President. I play canasta with a woman who knew the family and she swears that the father, Fred, dropped the boy on his head numerous times.
Stalin: There you go again, Mama T. You’re all a bunch of candy asses. I say we poison him- Not like that numskull Putin. He can’t even poison a guy properly- and they say he was KGB-NET!
Darwin: That won’t be necessary Justice Stalin. The man is weak of mind and body. He will die off on his own. Let nature take its course.
Ruth: We can’t wait for that. Our democracy is at stake.
Aristotle: No man is above the law. Donald Trump is a man, so he is not above the law.
(Elvis starts singing “Jailhouse Rock.”)
Ruth: He won’t go to jail. The Attorney General will protect him.
Mother Teresa: Is that the poor soul with the overactive sweat glands?
Stalin: Let’s do things Russian style. According to my golf buddy, John McCain, there’s been enormous progress in the field of torture.
Mother Teresa covers her ears: No, No, No If you judge people you have no time to love them.
Ruth: I must go back.
The justices are silent.
Einstein: I’m sorry Ruth, it’s mathematically impossible.
Stalin: Can we speed things up here? I’m late for pickle ball with Regis Philbin.
Einstein: We will take a brief recess and deliberate on your arguments.
The justices leave the room.
A few minutes later…
Ping: A text alert on RBG’s phone reads: Joe Biden wins the Presidency.
Justice Antonin Scalia pokes his head into the room.
Scalia: Psst, Ruth! What’s taking you so long? We have front row seats on Cloud Nine to see Pavarotti in Puccini.
RBG: Coming Nino.
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