How Trump Can Raise Monies

Despite raising millions by duping his followers, Trump still needs to raise monies to pay mounting bills.

By Janice Arenofsky

Given that Trump already has made several hundred million dollars duping followers into thinking he could undo the results of the 2020 election with their monetary support, Trump still has loads of bills to pay since his motorcade left the White House, and so still has a need to raise monies.

The following suggestions, if followed up on, will help Trump raise the necessary monies to set up housekeeping in Mar-a-Lago, to pay off cronies so he won’t go to jail, and to pay off Putin so he’ll continue spying on Biden via the Internet:

How Trump Can Raise Monies1. Trump should dress up as Cupid for Valentine’s Day and walk in Times Square with arrows that he can aim at stray garbage on the streets. People will reward him with monies for these efforts to Make America Great.

2. Trump can hold a telethon to raise monies. Of course he’ll ask Giuliani to emcee, and he’ll call the telethon the Make America and Trump Great Telethon. To aim for the heart and wring a few tears, he’ll send souvenir ballots with his name checked off to the first 1,000 persons to donate $1 million.

3. Trump can volunteer to be the Grand Marshal of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in NYC. He’ll dress up like a leprechaun and ride the Make America Great float down Fifth Avenue. He’ll use his AK47 to shoot a stray homeless person, and no one will arrest him. So he’ll collect on all those bets he made with the Republican members of Congress. That should add up to a tidy sum!

4. Trump will dress up as the April Fool on the 1st and go on cable TV where he will hawk his new line of Make America Great recipes. He’ll slice and dice with the best of chefs and compete with them for big cash prizes. Ivanka and Melania will provide ample eye candy appearing in designer duds from survivalist companies.

5. Trump will play to the veterans in May by popping into the Memorial Day Parade in NYC in his Make America Great Hot Air Balloon. Aboard are Ivanka and Melania wearing red-white-and-blue designer dresses sold at mainstream stores everywhere including Costco, Walmart and K-Mart. The trio will land near Trump Tower, which unfortunately has been sold to cover expenses for Trump’s newest Election 2020-I-got-ripped-off lawsuit in Puerto Rico. The three-some will promise to donate their MAG Hot Air Balloon to the first person who can figure out a way for the Georgia Sec. of State to find 11,000 Trump ballots.

6. Trump will celebrate Juneteenth by holding a joint I-Can-Breathe-MAG fundraiser for Black Lives Matter, Asian Lives Matter, Hispanic Lives Matter and No Lives Matter.

7. Trump will celebrate July 4th with a big barbecue at Mar-a-Lago. Everyone in the old administration will be invited except those he fired, which will essentially trim the guest list to Erik Trump, Jared Kushner, Ivanka, Melania and Trump. This event, which will reveal Trump’s colorist and makeup artist, will be televised to 40 countries and include a brief video of his latest sexual harassment exploits. Of course this will be a pay-for-view event and will further bankroll Trump’s coffers.

I haven’t been totaling up the sums, but I think Trump will have enough to pay all his legal bills and still have enough for a Milky Way candy bar and another run at the Presidency in 2024. Oh, right, he can’t do that last one for real, but he can do a pretend MAG campaign.