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Lost Book of the Bible Reveals Exactly When ‘Hell Will Freeze Over’

Newly discovered book explains when hell will freeze over and what will happen when it does.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

For centuries in Christian English speaking countries the saying “When Hell Freezes Over” has been a favored colloquialism. Other cultures interpret the saying differently. For instance, devout Slobovian Defecationists believe it refers to the last great Schitte, when the great god King Feces will return to earth and collect his most ardent worshipers.

Hell Will Freeze OverRecently, while constructing a 220,000 seat Horse Hockey venue in the newly created Slobovian colony of Durkrappe, workers unearthed what is believed to be the original manuscript of the long lost book of the Bible known as “Schmukke.”

Durkrappe is located in an area that in biblical times was known as “The Valley of Shittim,” believed to have been owned by Lot’s wife’s first cousin.

According to legend, the prophet Sqwatte was preaching the gospel on consignment from the apostle Paul when he was approached by the evil queen Yhomasahore, who desired to have sex with him. When he refused, she had him chained to the giant Shittim Tree for eternity. He supposedly wrote the Book of Schmukke while chained to the tree. When the valley was was over run by the Hittites, Sqwatte and the evil queen were killed and the book was lost.

According to Dr. N.U. Endo of the University of Stanckt, who translated the manuscript from Shitt to Slobovian, the book contains not only the date on which Hell will freeze over, but several predictions that are relative to 2021.

The book as related to the Neo Slobovian Calendar predicts the date of Hell freezing over as being Octember 35 of this year. Scholars at American Universities are working hard to decipher the date to modern English calendars.

Predictions found in the book state that when Hell freezes over the following will happen:

  • Pigs will fly
  • Global Warming will be over
  • Pussy and cable TV will be free
  • Duke and Carolina will merge into one school
  • the minimum wage will be 3,424.75 an hour
  • Nancy Pelosi will give Donald Trump Some
  • Covid will go away
  • Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Sam Cooke, Aretha Franklin and Otis Redding will rise from the grave and there will be real music on the radio once again.
Ted Holland