[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘Reputable Firm’ to Oversee Biden Racial Equity Program

World famous law firm to oversee and dispense monies for the racial equity program.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN has learned that the Biden administration has contracted the internationally renown law firm of Grabbehall, Decash, and Scramme to oversee and dispense monies for its Racial Equity Program. The purpose of the program is to make all American Races financially equal. Since the Biden Administration has stated that all American Whites are rich, they are excluded from the program.

Biden racial equity program
Biden campaigns for his racial equity program. Image by stingrayschuller, flickr.com.

According to firm spokesman and senior partner Snattche DeCashe, “Our firm holds the Guinness Book of Records for catching Ambulances and has defended such famous defendants as The Deep Dish Apple Pie poisoner and Pharoah’s Army.”

The US government will make a onetime payment of 10 quazillion (Merriam Webster defines a Quazillion as 10 followed by 245 zeroes) to the firm which will receive a fee of 33 1/3 percent plus expenses for their work. They in turn will verify who is illegible and dispense the funds.

The Biden White House also considered other well-known law firms, such as The Ghreedie Group, Shoop, Shoop, Shangalang and Jiggyboppe and Grabbemme, Byda, Balles & Squeeze for the job.

According to the program literature, monies will be granted to the races as follows:

  • African Americans: 14 million dollars each
  • Native Americans: 12 million dollars each
  • Latin Americans: 10 million dollars each
  • Asian Americans: 8 million dollars each
  • Bongocongoam Americans: 237 dollars each
  • Slobovian Americans: 18 cents each

Each payment will be subject to attorney fees, service charges, packing and mailing charges, Ethnicity determination fee, ook fee, federal tax, state tax, county tax, city tax, zipcode tax and a Covid 19 tax.

After taxes and fees, each African American should expect a payment of $567.89.

Ted Holland