Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The sounds of Mars: NASA releases first-ever audio from another planet
Good job, Bruno!
Florida Rabbi arrested in connection with deadly US Capitol riot
The first clue something was up was when he lit the Hanukkah Lights with a Jewish Space Laser.
The Royal family is claiming they’re not racist
… well, y’know, there is Queen Latifah…
Biden has now sent his 3 nominees for the USPS Board of Governors to the Senate
Although, no word on whether he sent them ground or overnight.
Feeding cows seaweed could cut their methane emissions by 82%, scientists say/Greenhouse gas emissions study
Especially, if they drown while eating.
People are complaining John Kerry wasn’t wearing a COVID mask
In fairness, it’s hard to get one of those things over a horse bridle.
Soleil Moon Frye reveals her first sexual partner was Charlie Sheen
… look for the ‘E! True Hollywood Story: The Punky and the Junky.’
Kim Jong-un not talking to Joe Biden
This is punishment? How?
Kanye West becomes the richest black man in US history
And, six of the top ten if you divide it up amongst the voices in his head.
Milo Yiannopoulos now claims to be ‘ex-gay’
So, the Q in LGBTQ doesn’t stand for QANon.
It’s National Pi Day
Which makes tomorrow …9 7 9 3 2 3 8 4 6 2 6 4 3 3 8 3 2 7 9 5 0 2 8 8 4 1 9 7 1 6 9 3 9 9 3 7 5 1 0… Day.
Michael Cohen says Trump is in for a ‘proctological exam of the highest order’ by New York prosecutors
On the upside, they’ll probably find Lindsey Graham’s missing cell phone.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she would take AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 shot
But, only if the shots came with a Pilsner back….
The Biden Admin let go some staffers who smoked pot
… but, mostly to save money on deliveries of pizza, donuts and nachos…