Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/18/21

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about Prince Charming and his kisses, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Prince Charming
Snow White ride faces backlash over Prince Charming kiss.

Disneyland Snow White ride faces backlash over Prince Charming kiss

If you think Snow White and Prince Charming are problematic, just be glad Al Franken wasn’t around fake touching her boobs and saying, “Honk, Honk.”

Romney warns removing Cheney from House leadership will cost GOP election votes

… especially if her dad takes them hunting.

Bob Baffert blamed “cancel culture” after his horse, Medina Spirit, who won the Kentucky Derby, failed its post-race drug test

On the upside, Cancel Culture is great name for a horse.

Melinda Gates is now a billionaire

So, the GoFundMe is off?

Devin Nunes’s Attorney sanctioned, ordered to pay CNN $21,000 for filing ‘frivolous’ defamation lawsuit

A lesson to all, see what happens when you have a cow over a cow?

Members are quitting Mar-a-Lago because it has become a ‘sad’ and ‘dispirited’ place since Trump moved in, author says

The way things are going, soon Trump will be a man without a country… club.

Tomi Lahren: This weekend people threw eggs at me and called me ‘Nazi Barbie’

Guess she won’t be going to anymore family reunions for a while.

8 NY Yankees came down with Covid-19

Y’know, it wasn’t the Minnesota Twins; they can’t even catch a cold.

Mississippi discontinuing the extra 300-dollar federal unemployment supplement

… mostly in fear a couple of people might pool together and buy the state.

Facebook insists a kid’s version of Instagram will be safe

… while I worry about anything with the words Insta and Gram.

Feds probing Roger Stone, Alex Jones over roles in Capitol riot

I’d prefer it was extraterrestrials, but this will have to do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene challenges Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to debate over Green New Deal

So, it’d be ‘Green New Deal’ vs. ‘Greene Thinks She’s a Big Deal.’

Google is saving over $1 billion a year with employees working from home and not traveling for business

True, I Googled it…

Attorney for Capitol defendant Anthony Antonio said his client had “Foxitus” and “Foxmania” from watching six months of Fox News

… or, as it’s also known, the “Moronavirus” …

Paul Lander
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