[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Cure for Deadly ‘Delta Blues’ COVID Variant Revealed

An SNN contributor reports on a technique used by a voodoo witch doctor, said to cure the deadly “Delta Blues” variant.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The deadly Delta Blues COVID variant, first reported by SNN, is running amok worldwide. As detailed previously by SNN, the variant attacks the Musico Emotional system of the body. People who listen to top 40, Bubblegum and Hip Hop music are especially endangered. Lovers of Blues, Funk, Motown, Soul, Carolina Beach, old time Country and old time gospel are safe.

Delta Blues, Howlin Wolf
Howlin Wolf provides one of the key ingredients of a very special cure.

As reported, the strain started in a Mississippi juke joint. GutteBuckette Pharma of Mississippi was designated by the CDC and The WHO to develop a vaccine to combat the Delta Blues strain.

That will not happen, due to what has been described as a terrible mistake. The GutteBuckette Pharma production plant was raided by agents of the ATF, who mistook the vaccine for moonshine whiskey and destroyed 3 million gallons of it while blowing up the apparatus used for making the vaccine.

As a result of there being no available vaccine, SNN resident witch doctor and voodoo consultant Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite has revealed a procedure, based in old Blues culture, that will protect people from the strain.

Dr. DoRite explains “The Delta Blues Variant attacks ‘the un-funked’ people with no bottom in their Musico Emotional systems.”

To combat this, Dr. DoRite suggests that people first collect the following obscure blues records:

1. My Babe by Little Walter

2. Back Door Man by Howlin’ Wolf

3. Hoochie Coochie Man by Muddy Waters

4. Ooh Pooh Pa Dooh by Jesse Hill

5. Beautician Blues by BB King

6. Wang Dang Doodle by KoKo Taylor

7. Te Ni Nee Ni Nu by Slim Harpo

According to Dr. DoRite, you must get 45 or 78 RPM records — no tapes, CDs or digital versions.

Then, play the records in order 775 times, while facing the moon and soaking your left foot in a bucket of MD 2020 wine.

Dr. DoRite warns that any variation from this delicate and lifesaving procedure could be disastrous. Deviation could result in the conjuring up of a most unpleasant and destructive demon or one could turn oneself into a goat.

Ted Holland