[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Intergalactic Study of Critical Species Theory Downgrades Mankind

Intensive study of this theory, not yet banned intergalacticly, shows that aardvarks, rather than mankind, should govern the earth.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Dr. Shakitte N. Breakitte, Dean Emeritus of the Intergalactic Spttttee Department of the University of Rhattschitte, located on the planet Zardoc, has recently shown that the earth species known as “mankind” is really not suited to rule the planet.

Theory shows aardvarks better leaders
Better leaders, theory shows. Photo by Scotto Bear from North Beach, MD, USA, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Dr. Breakitte explained that after a several-centuries-long study of Critical Species Theory, “The species of mankind has basically made a mess of the Earth and in some ways Earthschitte has endangered the universe.”

He continued, “The only reason mankind rules the earth is that they have all the money, women, guns and dope on the planet. The aardvark species is actually far more suited to rule the planet.”

He made the case for aardvarks by citing the following points:

1. God created aardvarks before he created man.

2. Aardvarks never randomly shoot each other.

3. Aardvarks never cheat on their mates or income taxes.

4. Aardvarks only have to have sex every 18 months, while man has to have sex every 18 minutes.

5. No aardvark has ever disobeyed the 10 commandments.

6. Neither Donald Trump or Joe Biden are aardvarks.

Dr. Breakitte states that a good start to rectifying the Earth situation would be to get an aardvark elected president of the United States or made Queen of England.

Ted Holland