[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Texas Legislators to Legalize Vigilantism

Texas to enlist vigilantism enthusiasts to help police the state.

In an exclusive interview with one member of the Texas legislature, this reporter discovered the long-term aim of this Right Wing Republican cabal. The new anti-abortion law is just the prototype of similar laws to come.

Texas vigilantism
Texas wants to bring back old-style vigilantism, because it worked so well before!

In his own words: “We are working to bring back a cherished law and order tradition from the history of the Lone Star State, vigilantism.”

Noting my jaw drop open and my wide-eyed look of incredulity, he went on to explain. “How do you think law and order could have been brought to a state as big as Texas? Now the problem is not the size itself, but the size of the population, with all kinds of elements moving in from other states, like all those liberal types from California. It’s too much for law enforcement alone to handle.”

I asked him what exactly were they going to propose in future legislation. “First of all, we plan on expanding the open carry rule with respect to guns to an open use policy if a citizen witnesses a crime in commission.”

When I indicated that this might lead to innocent people being injured or killed, he shrugged it off as collateral damage. “I consider crime a public health issue and bullets the medicine. We’ll lose some along the way until criminals realize they can’t get away with anything any more, and then we all will be safe.”

I asked the legislator if the police were in agreement with the proposed legislation. “Sure, all the way, especially for all the petty stuff they will no longer have to bother with.”

When I asked him to elaborate, he gave two examples. “Neighbors will no longer be bothering the police about loud parties or barking dogs. One warning to legally shoot the dog will have them shut the mutt up right away and one warning shot in the ceiling should teach those rowdy teens to shut down that racket they call music real quick,” he smiled and winked.

Finally he claimed it would put an end to drinking and driving and crowding the courts with DUI’s. “It won’t be legal to shoot into the cabin of the car, of course, but anyone who sees someone’s car weaving around will be able to legally shoot out its tires.”

He reported that they even have a special consultant to help in drafting the legislation. When I asked who that was, he exclaimed, “We’re proud to welcome President Duterte!”

Diane de Anda