Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comics Don Rickles and Joan Rivers, live from heaven via hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? I doubt it. In a hologram, live from heaven my guests are comics Don Rickles and Joan Rivers.
JERRY
Good morning.
JOAN RIVERS
Men. Who needs them? Can you believe Curly from The 3 Stooges dropped me for Phyllis Diller? I’m distraught.
DON RICKLES
Can I say something, Joan?
JOAN
Certainly.
DON
You look so old, I can see the liver spots through your gloves.
JERRY
Fun at Hebrew School, folks.
JERRY
Joan. You grew up in a suburb of New York City. Your dad was a doctor. I understand he was a comedian of sorts.
JOAN
Yes. People died laughing on the operating table.
DON
(interrupts)
I met your father. He told me that he never liked you.
JOAN
Boo, boo.
DON
There’s no booing. If there’s another boo from you, I’ll make you sit through Bob Hope’s jokes.
JOAN
Please, no torture. I’ve been punished enough by doing this show.
JERRY
How did you get into comedy, Joan?
JOAN
I started in the early 60’s doing standup at comedy clubs in Greenwich Village. Had lots of competition. George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Woody Allen. Being a woman was tough.
JERRY
Plus, you were overweight.
JOAN
Chubby. Yeah. The kids in school called me “Marshmallow.”
JERRY
Didn’t you exercise?
JOAN
Oh, please. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
JERRY
But you eventually made it in the business.
JOAN
Yeah. By 1965, I was on The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
DON
(interrupts)
I’m dying to find out. Who picks out your clothes–Helen Keller?
JOAN
What are you? An Adonis? You’re fat and bald. Bend down, Rickles. I’m gonna rub your head and predict the future.
DON
Oh, my God. Look at you, Joan. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
JERRY
Don. How did you get in show biz?
DON
I was a serious actor. Actually went to Drama School. I couldn’t make a living, so I tried comedy. Played clubs in Miami, New York and Los Angeles. And that’s where I met Frank Sinatra. We became fast friends. Frank introduced me to everyone in town.
JERRY
What was he like?
DON
Sinatra was big time. When you entered a room, you had to kiss his ring. I didn’t mind, but he had it in his back pocket.
JERRY
And if you didn’t kiss his ring?
DON
You’d end up on a meat hook in Jersey.
JOAN
(interrupts)
You’re a comedian?
DON
Yes, I am. I suggest you find your twin, so you know what you really looked like.
JERRY
Joan. In the 80’s, you had two talk shows of your own. One that competed with Johnny Carson.
JOAN
I called him. He was upset and almost hung up on me when I tried to explain that I needed the money. I said, “Johnny. I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.”
JERRY
Then what happened?
JOAN
The phone went dead. And so did my career.
JERRY
What about all those jewelry chotchkies you hustled on QVC?
JOAN
That was years later. I confess, Jerry. The jewelry sucked. You can’t make steak out of hamburger meat.
JERRY
Thank you, Bobby Flay.
DON
Joan. It’s always bothered me that I never sent my condolences to you when your husband died.
JOAN
I appreciate that. Actually, Edgar killed himself. It was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
DON
I completely understand.
JERRY
Joan. When you passed way, everyone was so sad. At your funeral, Meryl Streep cried in 5 languages.
JOAN
Yes. And she should have won an Oscar.
JERRY
If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to them again. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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