The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Don Rickles and Joan Rivers

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comics Don Rickles and Joan Rivers, live from heaven via hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? I doubt it. In a hologram, live from heaven my guests are comics Don Rickles and Joan Rivers.

Don Rickles and Joan Rivers
Don Rickles and Joan Rivers, live via hologram.

JERRY

Good morning.

JOAN RIVERS

Men. Who needs them? Can you believe Curly from The 3 Stooges dropped me for Phyllis Diller? I’m distraught.

DON RICKLES

Can I say something, Joan?

JOAN

Certainly.

DON

You look so old, I can see the liver spots through your gloves.

JERRY

Fun at Hebrew School, folks.

JERRY

Joan. You grew up in a suburb of New York City. Your dad was a doctor. I understand he was a comedian of sorts.

JOAN

Yes. People died laughing on the operating table.

DON

(interrupts)

I met your father. He told me that he never liked you.

JOAN

Boo, boo.

DON

There’s no booing. If there’s another boo from you, I’ll make you sit through Bob Hope’s jokes.

JOAN

Please, no torture. I’ve been punished enough by doing this show.

JERRY

How did you get into comedy, Joan?

JOAN

I started in the early 60’s doing standup at comedy clubs in Greenwich Village. Had lots of competition. George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Woody Allen. Being a woman was tough.

JERRY

Plus, you were overweight.

JOAN

Chubby. Yeah. The kids in school called me “Marshmallow.”

JERRY

Didn’t you exercise?

JOAN

Oh, please. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

JERRY

But you eventually made it in the business.

JOAN

Yeah. By 1965, I was on The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.

DON

(interrupts)

I’m dying to find out. Who picks out your clothes–Helen Keller?

JOAN

What are you? An Adonis? You’re fat and bald. Bend down, Rickles. I’m gonna rub your head and predict the future.

DON

Oh, my God. Look at you, Joan. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

JERRY

Don. How did you get in show biz?

DON

I was a serious actor. Actually went to Drama School. I couldn’t make a living, so I tried comedy. Played clubs in Miami, New York and Los Angeles. And that’s where I met Frank Sinatra. We became fast friends. Frank introduced me to everyone in town.

JERRY

What was he like?

DON

Sinatra was big time. When you entered a room, you had to kiss his ring. I didn’t mind, but he had it in his back pocket.

JERRY

And if you didn’t kiss his ring?

DON

You’d end up on a meat hook in Jersey.

JOAN

(interrupts)

You’re a comedian?

DON

Yes, I am. I suggest you find your twin, so you know what you really looked like.

JERRY

Joan. In the 80’s, you had two talk shows of your own. One that competed with Johnny Carson.

JOAN

I called him. He was upset and almost hung up on me when I tried to explain that I needed the money. I said, “Johnny. I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.”

JERRY

Then what happened?

JOAN

The phone went dead. And so did my career.

JERRY

What about all those jewelry chotchkies you hustled on QVC?

JOAN

That was years later. I confess, Jerry. The jewelry sucked. You can’t make steak out of hamburger meat.

JERRY

Thank you, Bobby Flay.

DON

Joan. It’s always bothered me that I never sent my condolences to you when your husband died.

JOAN

I appreciate that. Actually, Edgar killed himself. It was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

DON

I completely understand.

JERRY

Joan. When you passed way, everyone was so sad. At your funeral, Meryl Streep cried in 5 languages.

JOAN

Yes. And she should have won an Oscar.

JERRY

If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to them again. See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Share
Share