[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

State of Texas Banning Sex

Governor Greg Abbott today issued another executive order, this one effectively banning sex in the state of Texas.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Spurred by the oncoming gallery of federal, state and private lawsuits challenging the constitutionality of its newly-enacted restrictive law banning abortions, Texas governor Greg Abbott today issued an executive order banning sex in the state of Texas.

banning sex
Banning sex, Texas plans to lock up offenders in Huntsville. Photo by Mark Britain, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Governor Abbott explained, “Without sex there will be no need for abortions.”

According to Judge Billy Bob Prickke, Chief Marshall of the newly-formed Texas Citizens Vigilante Rangers, there is a $10,000 bounty on the head of anyone caught having sex.

The bounty is payable immediately to any legal resident of the state of Texas who uncovers people engaged in sex. Anyone convicted of having sex could be fined $25,000 and/or be sentenced to 18 years on the Huntsville Prison farm hoe squad.

Judge Prikke explained that, “Choppin’ cotton in the hot sun all day relieves folks of their sex wants.”

The judge also stated that there is a $5,000 bounty on anybody caught watching a porno film or reading a dirty magazine, and a $500 bounty on anyone caught thinking about sex.

Further, Judge Prikke stated that he runs a mail-order business that sells Salt Peter, chastity belts, penis padlocks, sex-detecting radar and sonar units that pick up moaning and heavy breathing.

Judge Prikke says that bounties are only payable in cases of sex between humans. “What a man and his sheep or a woman and her Great Dane do is none of our business.”

Ted Holland