Those caught wearing masks in Hell will be escorted out for being “too damned good,” says Devil.
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Apparently the Covid 19 “mask or no mask” controversy has reached the far extremes of the universe.
According the SNN resident witch doctoress, craposcientist and Goozokoo-ologist Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite, who is one of the few journalist allowed into the underworld, the Devil recently expelled several souls from hell for wearing masks.
According to Dr. DoRite, the Devil explained in a recent interview that, “Wearing a mask is a sign of goodness… this is hell and hell is about the worst and nothing less than the worst will be tolerated.”
When asked what may have become of the expelled souls, the Devil explained, “They don’t qualify for that other place Heaven, or even Purgatory, and the Pope closed Limbo.” There are rumors, however, that they acquired bodies and were hiding under a bridge in Del Rio, Texas.
Dr. DoRite listed several other points gleaned from her recent trip to Hell:
Due to global warming, ice hockey will no longer be played in Hell.
There was a family spat between The Devil and his brother Satan, and they divided Hell into two parts.
The Devil will continue to rule Hell, while Satan will be in charge of Hades.
The Devil stated that Hell is for the “Blue Collar Damned,” while Hades will cater to the upper crust and intellectual damned.
Their uncle Ole Scratch will continue to be in charge of the Hell annex known as Torment.
We have received several inquiries from other news organizations for biographical info on Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite. We can tell you that she is not the mother of Canadian Mountie hero Dudley DoRite.
There are rumors that her father is rock’n’roll legend Hank Ballard, and that she is the subject of his 1954 hit “Annie Had a Baby.”