[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Republic of Schlongho Becomes First Nation to Arm Citizens Traveling to U.S.

Country becomes first to arm citizens who plan to travel to the ultra-violent US, in hopes they can survive and return to their homeland.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

General Oooh Poppa Kow, Generalissimo Emeritus and ruler of the Independent Nationalist Republic of Schlongho, announced today that any Schlongolan citizen planning a visit to the U.S. will be outfitted with weaponry and armor-related accoutrements for safety reasons.

arm citizens
This country will arm citizens with whatever they need to survive, including rocket launchers. Photo by Andrew Butko, CC BY-SA 3.0.

Little is known about the Independent Nationalist Republic of Schlongo. There are rumors that both polygamy and cannibalism are legal in Schlongo. It is said that there is no divorce in there — when a man tires of one of his wives, he simply eats her.

There are also rumors that General Oooh Poppa Kow ascended to power by barbecuing his Congress.

There are several ways Schlongho might arm citizens which assure that they will not be arrested at American Airports for carrying weapons. Schlongolans entering the US legally will be given weapons vouchers which can then be redeemed at the nearest Schlongolan Embassy.

Schlongolans going to smaller US cities will be given a voucher for a Smith and Wesson 500, 50 rounds of ammunition and a bulletproof vest.

Visitors to larger cities like Boston, Houston and Washington D.C. get vouchers for an AK-47, Uzi or AR-15 Assault rifle, 500 rounds and full body armor.

Schlongolans going to American murder capitols such as Chicago, New York or Atlanta get all the above
plus vouchers for hand grenades, a flame thrower and an Airtronic GS-777 handheld rocket launcher.

In special cases, Schlongolan citizens may apply for a voucher redeemable at any location of Abdul’s Rent-a-Tank.

The largest Schlongolan Embassy is in New York, located behind a bodega on Upper Broadway.

Schlongolan citizens who wish to enter the US illegally can get their weapons at the Schlongolan Embassy in Mexico City.

Ted Holland