Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/18/22

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about record snow, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

record snow
If record snow is making moose cranky, what about squirrel?

Record snow is making moose cranky and dangerous, Alaska park says. ‘Be ready to run.’

However, no word on squirrel.

Novak Djokovic attended Belgrade event 24 hours after positive Covid test

… the tennis balls on this guy!

Word is, Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend rolled over on him

And, not in a good way!

Biden to deliver State of the Union on March 1

Look for speech to go: “The State of the Union between Kanye and Kim. Not so good.” Then sit down.

Candace Owens and Piers Morgan fighting on the Twitter

In fairness, maybe, Piers thought Candace was Meghan Markle.

After 2020, Trump backers forged election docs in three states

Might’ve gotten away with it but they misspelled you’re/your.

The Golden Globes came out

And this time it had nothing to do with a Miley Cyrus wardrobe malfunction.

Happy Birthday, Pete Davidson

What do you get for the guy who’s in the process of having everyone?!

Plane hit by train after crashing on train tracks in California

For anyone thinking their day sucks, stop it!

NFL playoffs about to kick-off

And the Lions are already mathematically eliminated …. from next year’s Super Bowl.

Prince Andrew has been stripped of Royal & Military Titles by his mother

Sounds to me like Queen Elizabeth has thrown Prince Andrew under the school bus.

Grey’s Anatomy returning for a 19th season

Only question is, in which episode will a patient arrive who tried to water ski jump over a shark.

U.S. Postal Service says vaccine rules could slow mail deliveries

… thanks to DeJoy, look for items mailed today to arrive during Zeta variant! …

Paul Lander
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