[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]
Speaker promises the House will take up the pressing matter of illegal aliens
West Chester, OH ─ Responding to pressure from a broad coalition of mostly Southern and Western states, House speaker John Boehner (R, West Chester, OH) announced today the House will take up the matter of illegal aliens when Congress returns from its recess next week.
“It’s time to take action on this matter,” Boehner declared from his West Chester office. “We’re seeing a dramatic upsurge in UFO sightings, obviously in this country illegally, and far more abductions in recent months, again obviously illegal. More than one hundred abductions in my district alone in the past year. I’m losing my constituency to outer space.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reacted cautiously. “We’ll hear what they have to say when we return [from the congressional recess],” he told reporters by phone from his home in Nevada, “but I don’t think we need to overreact here. We have to take a measured, humane approach. These beings have rights, too, whether they’re here legally or not.”
White House spokesman Josh Earnest called the plan dangerous. “Any approach congressional Republicans take to this small or non-existent so-called threat will be dangerous. The position of the White House remains that we cannot just arbitrarily exclude these illegal aliens ─ regardless of how they entered this country ─ from the American Dream by knee-jerk Republican pandering to reactionary, xenophobic elements that want to close our borders, our skies, to all aliens. Most of these visitors are fine, upstanding creatures, and the President is not willing to discriminate against them simply on the basis of the colors of their outer coatings.
Addressing reporters from the South Portico of the White House, President Obama promised to veto any alien legislation that reaches his desk. “I have said it many times, and I will reiterate again, we cannot summarily exclude aliens just because they look different or give us pause, regardless of the legality of their entry. We have to understand them, not discriminate against them. I understand them. I am one of them.”
Television celebrity and professional psychic medium Madame Esther offered her assistance to congressional investigators.
“I have been in close contact with many of the visitors,” she averred, “so I am familiar with their concerns regarding issues of the legality of their presence here, which cannot be stopped. They are not slimy little green men. They are beautiful, and they have beautiful minds.”
She also offered to have the illegal aliens “channel” through her as witnesses on their own behalf before congressional panels. “They have a right to have their side heard. I have sent Speaker Boehner a schedule of my fees. He can’t do it without me. I’m the only one who knows how to contact them and the only one they want to talk to. They told me so. Yesterday.”
Vice President Joe Biden, who is widely believed to be the product of an alien-human breeding experiment, refused comment citing family concerns.
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