[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
It ain’t just the Secret Service partying at the White House
Beer pong, flip cup, pill-popping, cocaine solution-drinking and womanizing. No, this is not just an average day at Charlie Sheen’s condo.
With the likes of Fox News and Benjamin Netanyahu on your ass 24/7, an outlet for suppressed fury was definitely needed at the White House.
After Joe Biden announced a “rager” on Facebook, according to police, up to 1000 ‘party-hungry stranglers’ showed up and caused $55,000 worth of damage.
“An absolute disaster. My house has been turned upside down and inside out. The doors have been smashed, my bedroom window has been smashed, the floors are ruined. Just horror. What will my wife say?” Mr. Obama queried.
When asked to describe the overall damage, the 44th and current President roared, “Furniture was broken, doors were kicked in, holes were punched in the walls and John Kerry was stuffed inside a tumble dryer. Carpets soaked in urine and bloody stains everywhere. Damn you and your big mouth, Biden. They urinated in every single drawer in, every single drawer.”
Biden not only promoted the party online, the police say he also used Twitter to brag about it afterwards, opting to type “Best Night Ever #BadBoyBiden.”
Vice Presidents acting out online and turning that into action is growing “exponentially,” according to Dixie Normous, an Internet privacy and security lawyer.
“VPs are always looking for their 15 megabytes of fame,” said the technological whiz.
Police have arrested four people, one of whom is thought to be Sarah Jessica Parker. “We have reason to believe that Ms. Parker intentionally defecated in the President’s Jacuzzi,” announced a member of the police force.
Police say party goers at the White House ripped the legs off of an antique couch and burned them, smashed numerous windows, broke staircase spindles, smashed ceiling fans and light fixtures, vomited on the hardwood floors, kicked in both bathroom doors, and even super glued Kanye West to Mr. Obama’s office desk. Graffiti was found on the walls, marble counter tops were smashed and broken, bedding was destroyed, family pictures were mutilated, items were stuffed in every toilet in the house, including Michelle’s kitten, Snuggles.
“Several items were also stolen from the house including a tooth brush, a PS4 game console, two apples, alcohol, clothing, golf clubs, sporting goods, and a half pound of salami,” Mr. Obama announced.
When asked to describe the event in one sentence, George Clooney, a close friend of the President simply said: “It looked like a scene from Animal House, but worse.”
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