[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Could God really be calling it quits?
Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. After a few hours, He did appear before the cameras stating that He was tired, having only had one day’s real rest since He created the Universe, and was considering retirement.
Reporters noted that He seemed a bit unkempt and depressed during the announcement, a sign that the whole Google thing had come as an emotional blow to Him. Speculation has it that the Almighty found it humiliating that a development from the humans He Himself had created would outdo Him in the knowledge game.
Executives over at Google have issued a reserved press statement stating that “…while we are pleased that we are now the recognized authority on information from end to end in the universe, we are sorry to hear of the departing of God, who we have always respected and admired even though most of us are agnostics.”
Circulating rumors have it that all the higher-ups at the firm are actually going around high-fiving each other and shouting “We beat God Himself” and “We are God!” and toasting themselves silly with champagne, although they have been known in the past to do this for lesser reasons as well.
Newscasters Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly now claim to have had an exclusive interview with God, in which He stated that He will be taking time now to write His autobiography, which some have estimated will likely be the size of an entire solar system. ABC News is checking into the validity of William’s claims, while FOX News is making it their banner headline of the month.
Concern is growing not only on Earth, but on other inhabited planets throughout the galaxies, that turmoil and anarchy will descend upon all civilizations once the Supreme Being steps down.
Some are even speculating that this could be the forewarned true “Armageddon” descending upon us. A reliable secret source stated that, “God no longer cares what mankind does with their world. He has been the big babysitter in the sky for way too long now, and no longer cares if man blows himself out of existence and burns the whole schlemiel to cinders.”
Look for updates here as the story develops.
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