[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘I stood my ground, just like my hero, George Zimmerman,’ says lion killer dentist
BLOOMINGTON, MN — Fugitive serial animal killer Dr Walter Palmer, the U.S. dentist who shot and killed Cecil, the Friendly Lion, said today that “at the time” he felt his life was threatened and had acted only in self-defense.
Speaking from a secret bunker located beneath his business offices in Bloomington, MN, Palmer said that he had “acted like any American peace officer sworn to protect and serve,” and should be acquitted of any crime.
“All I did was stand my ground,” said the dentist lion killer, “against a wild beast who came at me like a football player with his head down.”
Palmer said that he had been wandering innocently through the African savannah with his bow and arrow, “just like Robin Hood with a couple of his African merry men,” when suddenly they spotted Cecil lurking suspiciously in the undergrowth.
“So we followed him, just to see what he was up to, and sure enough he was poaching deer, or at least planning to, which is just plain illegal in Zimbabwe. That cat was a career deer murderer and had to be stopped.”
Palmer added: “Also, when we skinned him, his veins were full of catnip. Let me tell you, that lion was no angel.”
Palmer said that after following Cecil for several yards he and his companions noticed that the beast wore a GPS collar “sending out signals.” So they pulled him over just to check, and that was when the lion started to act aggressively.
“He wouldn’t comply with our orders, and then he actually bared his fangs at us. That’s when I shot my bow and arrow at him, from behind the blind we hastily constructed.”
Palmer said that Cecil then ran away, despite being commanded to stop and put his paws up. They had no alternative but to pursue the black-maned suspect for over 40 hours, finally catching up with him, when he was exhausted and almost comatose from loss of blood.
“He still wouldn’t surrender even then,” Palmer said. “And truth to tell, my fellows and I felt even more threatened, because you know there’s nothing more dangerous than an injured beast.”
The hero lion killer added: “I can sure relate to officers like Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo, who brought down Michael Brown and Eric Garner. And of course all the others since then, right up to that brave Officer Ray Tensing, who is now being pilloried like me for stopping a criminal in his tracks.”
Palmer said that his experience also vindicated urban vigilantes like George Zimmerman, “who everyone said hunted down Trayvon Martin, which he might have done like me, but he still shot him in self defense. We both stood our ground, and that’s our legal right.”
Palmer added “with gratitude” that “thoughtful and sensitive artists and intellectuals” like Ted Nugent were rushing to his defense. Nugent said today that the whole story was just “a lie,” and that by killing Cecil, Palmer had helped the lion to survive and reproduce.
Asked how this was possible, Nugent drooled: “God, people are stupid.”
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!