Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Deeply concerned about the pain in the wallet of most Americans, the president has a plan to deal with rising food prices.
In an exclusive interview with SNN financial correspondents Passe D. Bucke and Three Dollah Bille, U.S. President Joe Biden stated that he is deeply concerned about the pain in the wallet of most Americans when they visit the grocery store and face rising food prices, so he has come up with a plan that will ease the food shopping pain.
The President explains, “There are billions and billions of cases of K Rations left over from the war in Vietnam, just sitting in warehouses. K Rations sustained our troops during the war in Vietnam and have a shelf life of 200 years. The MREs that the troops ate in Iraq and Afghanistan last only about 10 years.
“Each month, every American will get 30 cases of K Rations free. They come in wonderful appetizing flavors such as Chopped Egg with Bacon, Chopped Bacon with Egg, Chopped Ham with Lima Beans and Chopped Lima Beans with Ham.”
Each case also includes packs of cigarettes, packs of gum and packs of condoms.
The president also stated that in case they run out of K Rations, he has cut a deal with General Dissen Datte, head of the Slobovian Army Mess System, to supply the American people with quantities of the Slobovian Army staple known as Gavonski. Gavonski is synthetic Creamed Chip Beef on Toast.
The President also stated that to help the American people with preparation of K Rations, the Food Network will debut a new cooking show featuring former Marine mess sergeant K.P. Chowline.
The president said that this idea came to him when he fell off his bike the other day.
SNN Words To Live By
You kill somebody, you’re gonna hang.” — Marshall Matt Dillon, Gunsmoke
“Man is the only animal that eats the ice in his drink.” — Comedian Martin Mull
“Army means, ‘Ain’t ready for Marines yet.’” — Some drunk Marine, somewhere in Nam, sometime in 1969