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SCOTUS to Debate the Gun Rights of the Unborn

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

With the Roe v Wade ruling still sparking protests, SCOTUS is now set to hear a case on the gun rights of the unborn.

Hot on the heels of its controversial overturning of Roe v Wade, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) will hear a case on another decisive issue — that being the right of the unborn to bear arms.

SCOTUS on the gun rights of the unborn
SCOTUS now set to debate the gun rights of the unborn. By Joe Ravi, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

The case stems from an incident that happened in Boogaloo, Mississippi in 1987. On April 18 of that year, Mrs. Annette Funicello Pulp went to the West Chitlin County Health Clinic for a pelvic exam. At the time she was 21 weeks pregnant with twin boys.

Sometime during the exam by Dr. Peter Panne, two gunshots rang out and Dr. Panne was found dead on the floor. When Sheriff Lutha Spreadum arrived, he arrested Mrs. Pulp for murder, even though no gun was found and there was no direct evidence linking her to the shooting.

Mrs. Pulp stated that Dr. Panne was shot by one of her unborn boys, who became frightened and feared for his life. When a vaginal speculum was inserted into his previously sacrosanct home, he fired the shots.

Famous Chitlin Rights attorney Shimmy Shuffle Downe took up Mrs. Pulp’s case and introduced Forensic evidence that revealed gunpowder residue in her vagina. Her first trial ended in a hung jury as did 17 more trials over the following 25 years.

When her twins were born, the boys, now named Elvis and Elton, were charged with murder and pleaded self-defense. They stated that the piece of medical equipment inserted into their mother looked like a bulldozer coming to get them. Their attorney, Oliver Wendell Grunt, asserted the rights of the unborn to take lethal action when their lives were in danger, siting “stand your ground” laws.

Eight trials of the twins have ended in hung juries and two have ended in riots.

Mississippi State Attorney General Big Mama Thornton Jones will argue the state’s case while UCLA (University of Claptrappe in Lower Alabama) law professor Perry Mason Kudzu will handle the defense.

The court building will be surrounded by police and marines during the entire trial, which is expected to be quite explosive. Demonstrators from all corners of the earth, both pro and con, are expected to descend on Washington.

Some of the presiding justices have already received death threats, a few from the unborn.

SNN Words To Live By

“It’s Always Something” — Roseanne Roseannadana, Saturday Night Live

“We have met the enemy and he is us.“ — Pogo comic strip

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Ted Holland