Supplying the Trumpbrary

Proposed deposits for the new “Trumpbrary” include a wealth of iconic artifacts evoking the dedicatee and his administration.

By Roger Porter and Howard Wolf

As Head Librarian of the New York State Penal System, I was pleased to learn I would be an advisor recommending items to place in the forthcoming Trumpbrary, now in its early planning stages. My first suggestion, however, was its location. I advised a Louisiana bayou or the Everglades, to avoid creating a swamp at tax-payers’ expense.

Trumpbrary
The new “Trumpbrary” could be housed in the New York State Penal System. Photo by daryl_mitchell, flickr.com.

Given how few books the building might contain, my proposed deposits include a wealth of iconic artifacts evoking the dedicatee and his administration.

  • Adolescent library card. The Queens Public Library in Jamaica, N.Y. issued in 1956, unused.
  • Thirty Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary. Pages uncut.
  • Manuscript of The Art of the Deal. In Tony Schwartz’ hand.
  • Manuscript for proposed book entitled The Art of the Steal. In Sidney Powell’s hand.
  • Jeffrey Epstein’s “Little Black Book.” A presentation copy signed “To my dear friend–use it well.”
  • Powerful Men Bundle: BDSM Domination and Submission, Domestic Discipline by Women, Explicit Erotica with Pleasure and Sweet Pain, Kinky Age Gap Play, with Cuckquean Humiliated Spanking. Well-thumbed pages, many dog-eared.
  • Banning the Croissant as a Sign of Islam: A Guide to Conservative Bakery Practices. Endorsed by Marie Le Pen.
  • Mein Kampf. “Right on” frequently scribbled in margins.
  • Run, Don, Run. See Don Run. First grade primer for Alabama primary schools.
  • Pardonnez-moi, by Roger Stone. Title page contains photograph of author’s thigh adorned with a tattoo of his new idol’s face.
  • How to Lie with Maps. Pristine copy, except for multiple black sharpie underlinings.
  • Critical Race Theory: How Usain Bolt Thought About his Important Sprints. So that’s what it means?
  • Transcript from The Wharton School. Redacted version.
  • Maintaining the Ozone Layer: A Comprehensive Plan to Stop Aliens from Penetrating Our Atmosphere. At last, a no-expense wall.
  • X-ray of bone chip, with comment by Dr. Bornstein: “This should do the trick.”
  • Collected Tweets. One of which will be flashed in neon every hour on the hour.
  • Solid spun gold yarmulkes. Worn at Jared and Ivanka’s sons’ brises.
  • A whip. Initials MKT on the handle. Use conjectural.
  • Facsimile of 2020 Nobel Peace Prize medallion. Accompanied by photoshopped image of embrace with Mother Teresa.
  • Folder labeled “Complete IRS tax forms.” These appear to be only from 1964 to 1970.
  • Video of woman on Moscow hotel bed. Unspecified amber arc in upper left quadrant.
  • American flag with stars removed for each state that voted for Biden in 2020. Note stitched on the obverse: “Where is my Betsy Ross?”
  • Glass cabinet containing tiki torches. Note pasted on the side: “Light up the sky!”
  • Prosthetic knee replacement. Rusted, dented, and marked “For Kaepernick.”
  • Barack Obama’s birth certificate. With seal purportedly from “The Government of Nambia.”
  • Cross-dressing clothing. Mislabeled as belonging to Ivanka.
  • Leg shackles. Label attached: “Will these fit Sessions’ ankles?”
  • Trump National Doral scorecard. Total of 69, with most holes’ scores written over erasings.
  • Photographic album of selfies. All appear to be practicing grimaces, marked “Mussolini,” “Franco,” and “Duterte.”
  • Children’s chemistry set. With note: “Covid cure here?? Worth a try.”
  • Hallmark Valentine card from “Stormy.” With inscription: “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”
  • Model of windmill with dead bird taped to one blade. Affixed note: “Time to tilt.”
  • Taxidermized bat. Gift from President Xi Jinping of China.
  • Copy of note from DJT left in the resolute desk: “Well, pal, it’s yours ’til August.” This should help raise funds.

In the event we are honored by the presence of a former head of state as our latest permanent resident, my own institution will acquire as many of the texts and objects I have recommended as possible. I will also suggest naming the library at our corrections facility “Trumpbrary,” after its new occupant.

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