[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

What Donald Trump and Family Were Really Doing During Jan. 6 Riot

The other doings of Donald Trump and family: what the lying lamestream media missed.

Completely out of character from his great love of the press, former President Donald Trump has denounced the “radical lamestream media” for claiming he was transfixed watching all-day Fox News coverage of the Jan. 6, 2021 insurrection on Capitol Hill.

Jared shower, Trump and family
Trump and family were all busy January 6th. For example, Jared took a really looooong shower that day.

“That’s a blatant lie. The truth is I was busy doing other important things,” Trump maintained, saying that during the riot he was on the phone discussing with his top economic advisors something called “complexity economics,” a system which the former chief executive said “as a genius nobody else but me really understands.”

“First of all, I wasn’t watching TV,” said Trump, refuting reports he was glued to Fox all afternoon into evening as his supporters stormed the U.S. Capitol to protest the 2020 election results.

“I only turned it on later on when my people told me what was going on. As usual, the press is making up lies about me.”

Trump and family associates all said they also didn’t know about the riot at the Capitol on January 6, as they were involved in other matters at the time.

Such as former First Lady Melania Trump who said she was documenting all the architectural and decorative changes she had made during her four years living in the White House.

“If I had known what was happening, I would have immediately walked into the Oval Office and told the President about all the Antifa traitors and communists rioting at the Capitol to have them all arrested. That’s if I had known about it, but I didn’t cause my job was to make the White House look beautiful. I know the President was on the phone discussing his favorite subject–economics–and I didn’t want to disturb him while he was making America great again.”

Then there was Trump son-in-law and top advisor Jared Kushner who said he was in the shower while the trouble was brewing up at the Capitol.

“I didn’t know anything about it,” Kushner said, revealing he was shampooing his hair when he heard the phone incessantly ringing before whoever was calling hung up. After rinsing the soap from his eyes, Kushner said he toweled off and climbed into his p.js when the phone started ringing again.

“Imagine my shock when I heard it was (House Republican Leader) Kevin McCarthy, and he told me it was getting really ugly over at the Capitol, and said ‘please, anything you could do to help, I would appreciate it.’”

“That’s the first I heard of it,” Kushner said. “I called over to the President who said he was on the other line talking about his favorite topic–complexity economics–and who was I to disturb him? The President called me back later and said Fox News was reporting the Democrats were staging a riot on Capitol Hill, doing it to hurt him. That’s what really got me upset.”

Trump sons Donald Trump, Jr., and Eric Trump also were engaged in other activities, they reported, and had no idea about the events at the Capitol.

Trump Junior, for instance, said he was in Mongolia on a hunting trip to kill rare argali sheep, who he explained are gorgeous animals with long, curving horns.

“They make beautiful trophies on my wall,” Trump Junior said, denouncing what he termed “so-called” nature-lovers, conservationists, and environmentalists for protesting that such hunting trips violate endangered species acts.

“Give me a break, those phonies are nothing but a bunch of tree-hugger libs, who don’t appreciate what it takes to be a real man, the real nature-lovers,” Trump said.

Eric Trump said he was so busy that day for the Trump Organization in Manhattan buying up apartments in order to resell them as luxury condo units that he had no time to know what else was happening in the world.

“I didn’t hear about it until my sister Ivanka called me just as I was selling a seven-bedroom unit on Central Park West. By the way, I have a mind-blowing 15-room penthouse available on the Upper East Side at a great price if you’re interested in buying,” Trump said.

Top Trump advisor Mike the “MyPillow Guy” Lindell said he was busy selling pillows and bedsheets on the day of the riot and wasn’t informed about it until after he finished taping another TV commercial for his products that evening.

“I give you my personal guarantee you’ll never sleep better than with my pillows,” Lindell said, telling customers that “if you act now, I’ll sell you two pillows for the price of one. And with that, I’ll throw in a 2-piece towel set.”

Meanwhile, long-time Trump ally, Steve Bannon, said he did in fact know the riot would happen, saying the day before it did “all hell is going to break loose” on January 6.

“That makes me look pretty smart, wouldn’t you say?” boasted Bannon, who has now been found guilty of contempt of Congress for refusing a subpoena to testify about the January 6 events and faces up to two years in jail.

“I showed them, didn’t I?” said Bannon, who in a reference to how he would act at his trial for contempt, explained that on that fateful January 6 he was at Walmart trying on a new “medieval” wardrobe for his podcast later that day.

Eric Green